mightychurch.com

These aren’t jokes as such, but when you read these true incidents, you’ll be saying “they must be joking” ....

How do these people survive ?

ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald’s I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. ‘We don’t have half dozen nuggets,’ said the teenager at the counter. ‘You don’t?’ I replied. ‘We only have six, nine, or twelve,’ was the reply. ‘So I can’t order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?’ ‘That’s right.’ So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

(Unbelievable but sadly true… guess its because we live in a metric society it’s wounder Mc’as does’nt sell them in lots off 5 or 10 )

TWO
I was checking out at the local Woolworths with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those ‘dividers’ that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the ‘divider’, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, ‘Do you know how much this is?’ I said to her ‘I’ve changed my mind; I don’t think I’ll buy that today.’ She said ‘OK,’ and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM ‘thingy.’

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. ‘Do you need some help?’ I asked. She replied, ‘I knew I! should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?’ ‘Hmmm, I don’t know. Do you have an alarm, too?’ I asked. ‘No, just this remote thingy,’ she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, ‘Why don’t you drive over there and check about the batteries. It’s a long walk….’

(PLEASE - just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!)

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, ‘I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?’ ‘Just use paper from the photocopier’, the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five ‘blank’ copies.

(She is Brunette, by the way!!)

SIX  
A mother calls 911 very worried - and asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room as the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine. The mother says, ‘I just gave him some ant killer…...’ Dispatcher: ‘Rush him in to emergency - NOW!’

Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid!!!!

( Hopefully ) only in America ?

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

‘House’ for instance, is feminine: ‘la casa.’  ‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz.’ A student asked, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?’

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine gender (‘la computadora’), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;               
                                3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (‘el computador’), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;                                                          2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;                                                      3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and                       4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

New Years resolution—join the male lib group, which is underground because women have banned it as sexist.

Doug, Many people ( both men and women ) vote for the libs, so why would a male liberal party group be thought of as sexist ? Please explain ;)

Happy New Year everybody :

A New Year Prayer for the Elderly

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

New Year’s Day Prayer for One and All

Dear Lord

So far this year I’ve done well.

I haven’t gossiped, I haven’t lost my temper, I haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I’m very thankful for that.  But in a few minutes, Lord, I’m going to get out of bed, and from then on I’m probably going to need a lot more help.  Amen.

A New Year’s Wish

On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing.  As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death.

Lecture Tour with A Difference

On New Year’s Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home.  As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman.  ‘What are you doing out here at four o’clock in the morning?’ asked the police officer.

‘I’m on my way to a lecture,’ answered Roger.

‘And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year’s Eve?’ enquired the constable sarcastically.

‘My wife,’ slurred Daniel grimly.

Politician in Action

A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.

‘If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I’m against it.  But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I’m for it.  This is my position, and I will not compromise.’

New Year Jokes - One Liners

To kick start my New Year, I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass.

When I thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year,  I gave up thinking.

Definition of a hangover:  Wrath of Grapes.

How to Quit Smoking

Peter, at a New Year’s party, turns to his friend, Ken, and asks for a cigarette.

‘I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking,’ Ken responds.
‘I’m in the process of quitting,’ replies Peter with a grin. ‘Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.’

‘Phase one?’ wonders Ken.

‘Yeah,’ laughs Peter, ‘I’ve quit buying.’ 

New Year’s Day Quotes

New Year’s Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.
( Mark Twain )
One resolution I have made, and try always to keep, is this: To rise above the little things.
( John Burroughs )
Good resolutions are simply cheques that men draw on a bank where they have no account.
( Oscar Wilde )

Ring out the old, ring in the new

Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring, happy bells, across the snow:
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the true.
- Alfred, Lord Tennyson. (1849—> 50)

New Year’s Eve Party - Phantom Guest ?

Trevor’s New Year’s Eve party was an annual occurrence with numerous guests arriving.  During the evening, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to where the drinks were, in the kitchen.  He sat there happily, chatting away, for a couple of hours before a strange light dawned on his face. ‘You know,’ he confided to Trevor, ‘I wasn’t even invited to this party.  I just came over to tell you that some of your guests’ cars are blocking my drive.’  He continued, ‘My wife’s been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved, so that we can go out.’

New Year’s Day Party - That Never Was ?

As in many homes on New Year’s Day, Janet and Trevor, a happily married couple, faced the annual conflict of which was more important: the football match on television, or the lunch itself.

Hoping to keep the peace Trevor ate lunch with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-lunch chat before retiring to the lounge to turn on the television.

Some minutes later, Janet looked in to see how he was and graciously even bought a cold beer for Trevor. She smiled, kissed him on the cheek and asked what the score was. Trevor told her it was half time and that the score was still 0-0.

‘See?’ Janet said happily, ‘You didn’t miss a thing.’

A Bad Dream ?

Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year’s Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, ‘I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?’

‘Aha, you’ll know tonight,’ answered Max smiling broadly.

At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her small package.  Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: ‘The meaning of dreams’.

Auld Lang Syne

Auld Lang Syne was partially written by Robert Burns in the 1700’s, it was first published in 1796 after Burns’ death. Early variations of the song were sung prior to 1700 and inspired Burns to produce the modern rendition. An old Scotch tune, ‘Auld Lang Syne’ literally means ‘old long ago,’ or simply, ‘the good old days.’

Here are the lyrics: however, many people seem to remember only the first verse :

Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we’ll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?
And here’s a hand, my trusty friend
And gie’s a hand o’ thine
We’ll tak’A cup o’ kindness yet
For auld lang syne.

a comedian called Richard Jeni - on church:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vrIl31ZY1HU&feature=related

PS: it’s not like my church, thank God.

CHRISTIAN:  : Gets to Pearly Gates. Says to St Peter,“I’ve got good works and I’m a man of faith, can I get in ?”
    ST. PETER : Things are changing—new rules due to over population in heaven as well as earth. Those pesky rufugees from Limbo don’t help either. You now need a P/N from your Priest, a codeword from your bank, and a government sponsored Algorithm for verification.

CHRISTIAN: But I can’t remember——

St PETER:  GO straight to Hell!

  Can I now sneak in an answer to Kevins’ query about male libs. Most men are handed over to their wives by their mothers, Thus they naturally believe that they are in charge, even in the male dominated Liberal Party.Look at God’s creations ( except MAN, where truth and reality are hard to find). Many species only exist because things are not what they seem. Disguise, deception and duplicity are part of God’s design. We call it Ecology.

doug leverett - 01 January 2010 03:05 PM

Most men are handed over to their wives by their mothers, Thus they naturally believe that they are in charge, even in the male dominated Liberal Party.Look at God’s creations ( except MAN, where truth and reality are hard to find). Many species only exist because things are not what they seem. Disguise, deception and duplicity are part of God’s design. We call it Ecology.

Thanks for your personal testimony. As a result of your mum’s over bearance upon you, just how long have you been in therapy ?

How come liberals think members of the Liberal Party, or Liberal voters are just one step to the right of Ghengis Khan?

Maybe this link will help to straighten it out a bit : terrorism and politics

Ken Austin - 01 January 2010 05:26 PM

How come liberals think members of the Liberal Party, or Liberal voters are just one step to the right of Ghengis Khan?

You say that like it’s a bad thing ;)

Also, are you implying that small “l” liberals are capable of thinking for themselves ? I thought they just ran on hate-juice.

Time far a few laughs with some Sunday School funnies :

STORY OF ELIJAH
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times. “Now, said the teacher, “can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?” A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, “I know! I know!” she said, “To make the gravy!”

LOT’S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot’s wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, “My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving,” he announced triumphantly, “and she turned into a telephone pole!

GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?” A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, “I think I’d throw up.”

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?”

“No,” replied Johnny. “How could he, with just two worms?”

HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, ” We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?” One child blurted out, “Aces!”

MOSES &THE; RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. “Well, Mum, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.”

“Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?” his mother asked.

“Well, no, Mum. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you’ld never believe it!”

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible : Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task—but, he just couldn’t remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, “The Lord is my Shepherd, and that’s all I need to know.”

CHURCH SMILES
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. “Is there anything breakable in here?” asked the postal clerk. “Only the Ten Commandments,” answered the lady.

AMISH BUMPER STICKER
While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign…“Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.’‘

SUNDAY SCHOOL MESSAGE
Sunday after church, a Mum asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, “Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilt.” Needless to say, the Mum was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mum asked him what that morning’s Sunday school lesson was about. He said “Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.”

This is my current favourite :

A duck walks into a bar and asks the barman “have you got any bread ?”. The barman says “We don’t sell bread I’m afraid, this is a pub, we sell beer”. The duck leaves.

The next day he walks back into the same bar and asks the same barman “have you got any bread ?”. The barman looks a little annoyed and says “Like I told you yesterday, we don’t do bread, we’re a pub”, so the duck leaves.

The next day the same duck walks into the same bar, and asks the same barman “have you got any bread ?”

The barman looks really annoyed and says “Look we don’t do bread, we’re a pub and if you keep coming in here asking for bread I’ll nail your beak to the bar” - so the duck leaves.

The following day the duck once again walks into the same bar. He asks the barman “have you got any nails ?”. The barman looks perplexed and replies “No”. The duck then asks “Have you got any bread ?”.

Men’s Rules

This is somewhat amusing (not to mention controversial) and there is a line in there for every occasion.

We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules ! Please note these are all numbered ‘1’  - ON PURPOSE !

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl.
If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.
You don’t hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1.Saturday = sports.  It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides.  Let it be.
1. Don’t cut your hair. Ever.
Long hair is always more attractive than short hair.
One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is
that married women always cut their hair.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!  Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work !  Just say it !
1. We don’t remember dates.
Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops.
What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers
to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Check your oil !  Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are.  Don’t ask us.
We refuse to answer.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways,
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry,  we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it’s genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done.  Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and of course neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be.
Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,”  we will act like
nothing’s wrong.  We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to,  expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere,  absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. BEER is as exciting for us, just as handbags are for you.
1. I am in shape !!    ROUND is a shape !
 

The Chicken Story….

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff’s office and said, “You’ve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens.”

“What do you want me to do?” asked the sheriff.

“I don’t care, just do something about those crazy drivers!”

So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, “You’ve got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing’ sign seems to make them go even faster.”

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, “Your signs are doing no good.. Can I put up my own sign?”

The sheriff told him, “Sure thing, put up your own sign..” He was going to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the Sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call.. “How’s the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?”

“Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I’ve got to go. I’m very busy.” He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, “I’d better go out there and take a look at that sign…

It might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers…”

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John’s house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray painted on a sheet of wood….

NUDIST COLONY Go slow and watch out for chicks!

Not strictly a joke, but it might become a party political promise ;)

” So you’re a senior citizen and the government says no health care or pension for you, what do you do? Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 MP’s and 2 Senior Government Officials. Of Course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need! New teeth, no problem. Need glasses, Great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered. And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don’t have to pay any income taxes anymore.”

IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT ?!

Terms to Know :

TRAFFIC LIGHT—apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.

DIVORCE—postgraduate in School of Love.

PIONEER—early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.

PEOPLE—some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what’s happened.

SWIMMING POOL—a mob of people with water in it.

SELF-CONTROL—the ability to eat only one peanut.

SALESMAN—man with ability to convince wife she’d look fat in mink.

CANNIBAL—person who likes to see other people stewed.

EGOCENTRIC—a person who believes he is everything you know you are.

FOREIGN FILM—any movie shown in Texas theater that isn’t a western.

OPTIMIST—girl who regards a bulge as a curve.

MAGAZINE—bunch of printed pages that tell you what’s coming in the next issue.

COLLEGE—The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.

EMERGENCY NUMBERS—Police station, fire department and places that deliver.

OPERA—When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.

BUFFET—A French word that means “Get up and get it yourself.”

BABY-SITTER—A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.

TATTOO—Permanent proof of temporary insanity.

Thinking fast, by kids in grade school :

TEACHER: Why are you late ?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign ?
WEBSTER: The one that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow.”

—-

TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor ?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables !

—-

TEACHER: John, how do you spell “crocodile?”
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L”
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
JOHN: Maybe it’s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it !

—-

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water ?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O !!
TEACHER: What are you talking about ?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it’s H to O !

—-

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is !
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: George!

—-

TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!

—-

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

—-

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with “I.”
ELLEN: I is…
TEACHER: No, Ellen….. Always say, “I am.”
ELLEN: All right… “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

—-

TEACHER: “Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?”
JOHNNY: “Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time.”

—-

TEACHER: “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn’t punish him?”
JOHNNY: “Because George still had the axe in his hand.”

—-

TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mum is a good cook.

—-

TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it’s the same dog!

—-

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.

—-

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

Is this UFC without the cage ?

Night Watchman

A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory. There had been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift, and so every morning when the night shift workers passed through his gate it was his job to check their bags and pockets to make sure that nothing was being stolen.

Things were going along very well the first night on the job until a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspaper came through his gate. Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up what he is stealing with that newspaper. So he removed the paper only to find nothing.

Still he felt that the man was acting strangely, so he questioned him about the paper.

“I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown away.”

The guard let him pass, but decided to keep a close eye on him.

The next night it was the same, and the night after that. Week after week it went on. The same guy would push the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard’s checkpoint. The guard would always check and find nothing.

Then one night, about a year later, the guard reported for work only to find a message had been left for him telling him to report to his supervisor.

He walked into the supervisor’s office and before he could say a word, the boss said, “You’re fired!”

“Fired?” he asked in total surprise. “Why? What did I do?”

“It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything from this plant and you have failed. So you’re fired.”

“Wait a minute, what do you mean failed. Nobody ever stole anything from this place while I was on guard.”

“Oh, really,” the boss answered. “Then how do you account for the fact that there are 365 wheelbarrows missing?”

          _______________________________________________________________

Funny Business signs

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
“LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.”

Doctors office, Rome:
“SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
“CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.”

On an Athi River highway: this is the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi.
“TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.”

On a poster at Kencom:
“ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.”

In a City restaurant:
“OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.”

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
“DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.”

In a cemetery:
“PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.”

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
“OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.”

Fast Old Ladies

Sitting on the Californian highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver obviously confused said,“Officer, I don’t understand, I wasn’t doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?” “Ma’am,” the officer said, “you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous”. “Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour”, the old woman said proudly.

The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. “Before I go Ma’am, I have to ask, is everyone OK?

These women seem badly shaken and haven’t uttered a word all this time” “Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142.”

15 Exercises We’d Be Better Off Without in 2010

~ Jumping on the bandwagon

~ Wading through paperwork

~ Running around in circles

~ Pushing your luck

~ Spinning your wheels

~ Adding fuel to the fire

~ Beating your head against the wall

~ Climbing the walls

~ Beating your own drum

~ Dragging your heels

~ Jumping to conclusions

~ Grasping at straws

~ Fishing for compliments

~ Throwing your weight around

~ Passing the buck

Drawing the Line :

A man who was unemployed for several months gets a job with Public Works painting lines down the center of rural roads. The supervisor tells him he is on probation and that he must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed. The man agrees to the conditions and starts the next day.

The supervisor checks and finds the man completed 4 miles. “Great,” he thought, “this man will work out.” The next day he finds the man only did 2 miles but the supervisor thought, “well he is still at the average and I don’t want him to get discouraged.”

The third day however the man only did one mile and the Boss thought, “I need to talk to him.” The boss pulls the new employee in and says, “Son, you were doing great. The first day you did four miles and the second day two miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure, anything keeping you from meeting the two mile minimum?”

The man replied, “I keep getting farther and farther from the bucket.”

Seeing Eye Dogs :

Two guys were walking their dogs-one had a German Shepherd and the other had a Chihuahua. The man with the Shepherd suggested going into a bar for a drink. The other man said, “They’re not going to let dogs into the bar.”

The first guy said, “No? Watch this.”

So he put on some dark glasses, acted like the German Shepherd was a seeing-eye dog, walked into the bar, and ordered a drink. And no one said anything. So the second guy took out some dark glasses, slipped them on, and walked his Chihuahua into the bar.

The bartender said, “Sorry, we don’t allow dogs in here.”

And the man said, “It’s okay. It’s my seeing-eye dog.”

The bartender laughed and said, “This Chihuahua is your seeing-eye dog?”

And the guy said, “They gave me a Chihuahua?”

Dinner Prayer :

A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”

“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the little girl replied.

“Just say what you hear Mummy say,” the mother said.

The little girl bowed her head and said, “Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”

A teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

‘“Al-Gebra is a problem for us,” the Attorney General said. “They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.” They use secret code names like ‘X’ and ‘Y’ and refer to themselves as “unknowns”, but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, ‘There are 3 sides to every triangle’.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.” White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow.

Army of the Lord :

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and as always the preacher was standing at the door shaking hands as the congregation departed. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The preacher said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”

My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Preacher.”

The preacher questioned, “How come I don’t see you except for Christmas and Easter?”

He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”