A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an Unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time.” But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, “How about going to church with me and receive blessings?” But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time. This time he put his face up against the centipede’s house and shouted, “Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?”
.... YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS ... This time, a little voice came out of the box, “I heard you the first time! I’m putting on my shoes!”
ah we ll it is clean,
Cheers Ian Lawther
The story is told that a national magazine assigned a photographer to take pictures of a forest fire. They told him a small plane would be waiting at the airport to fly him over the fire.
The photographer duly arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane stood waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, “Let’s go !” The pilot, a tense-looking young man, turned the plane into the wind, and soon they were in the air, though flying somewhat erratically.
“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make several low-level passes.”
“Why ?” asked the nervous pilot.
“Because I’m going to take pictures !” yelled the photographer. “I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures.”
With his voice cracking nervously, the pilot replied, “You mean you’re NOT the flight instructor ?”
A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, “mum why have I got these huge three-toed feet?”
The mother replies, “well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand”.
“Ok” said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, “mum, why have I got these great long eyelashes?”
“They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert”.
“Thanks mom” replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, “mum, why have I got these great big humps on my back?”
The mother camel , now a little impatient with the boy replies, “they are there to help us store fat for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without water for long periods.”
“That’s great mum…..... so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but mum ...”
Normally when I go watch an organ concert at St Andrews’ Cathedral once a month, before it starts I take about 2-3min to talk briefly with one or two groups standing near the church, inviting them in to hear great organ music.
I was so excited this time around (last Friday) to see many people in business attire, and I thought, what a great opportunity to encourage people to come watch the concert!
When I talked to them I caught some gruff expressions. Ok I thought, business people are generally like that, you know with long working hours and a mundane week, and me simply getting in their way.
It was then I turned my head to the right and saw the coffin and hearse. Dear oh dear
TIME for some factional fun with the state’s most hilarious division-riddled political party:
Q: How many NSW Labor factions does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to oppose coal plants, one to support privatisation of state power utilities, one to demand union labour for the project, one to grant the old light globe a heritage listing and one to realise the electricity is cut off.
Q: Why did the NSW Labor faction cross the road?
A: To bash the other side.
Q: Knock, knock
A: Who’s there?
Q: Eddie.
A: Eddie who?
Q: Well, I know someone who won’t be getting preselected.
Three NSW Labor factions walk into a bar. Six NSW Labor factions walk out.
Q: How can you tell when a Labor faction has broken into your house?
A: Your dog is planning minister and your calculator’s missing.
Q: How do you fit four factions in a Mini?
A: Get three of them to knife the fourth one and then wait until after the election to finish the job.
An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a faction. The Englishman is probably a dirty Lib, the Irishman might be a Proddy so we might as well preselect the Scotsman. Congratulations, Doug.
Q: What do you call a faction with a shovel in its head?
A: The Left.
Q: What do you get when you cross Eddie Obeid with John Della Bosca?
A: Dead.
Q: Why did the blonde join the NSW Labor Party?
A: So she could be the smart one.
Q: What do you call all NSW Labor factions after March 26, 2011?
A: The opposition.
Yes, they’re all jokes. But, then again, so is the NSW Government. We may as well laugh as do anything else.
I am sorry, but all of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
For God, press 1.
For Jesus, press 2.
For The Holy Spirit, press 3.
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, please press 4.
To find a loved one who has been assigned to Heaven, press 5, then enter his or her medicare number followed by the hash key. ( If you get a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666. ) For reservations in heaven, please enter J-O-H-N 3:16
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah’s Ark is, please wait until you arrive.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.”
A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
“No”, he says, “the seat is empty..”
“This is incredible!” said the man, “who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?”
He says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.”
“Oh… I’m sorry to hear that.
That’s terrible. I guess you couldn’t find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?”
The man shakes his head… “No. They’re all at the funeral.”
An Aussie trucker walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The trucker says, ‘A hamburger, chips and a coke,’ and turns to the emu, ‘What’s yours?’ ‘I’ll have the same,’ says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order ‘That will be $9.40 please,’ and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, ‘A hamburger, chips and a coke.’ The emu says, ‘I’ll have the same.’ Again the trucker reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. ‘The usual ?’ asks the waitress.
‘No, it’s Friday night, so I’ll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,’ says the man. ‘Same,’ says the emu. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ‘That will be $32.65.’
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. ‘Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time ?’
‘Well, love’ says the trucker, ‘a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.’
‘That’s brilliant !’ says the waitress. ‘Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live !’
‘That’s right. Whether it’s a bottle of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,’ says the man. Then the waitress asks, ‘What’s with the emu ?’
The trucker sighs, pauses, and answers…. ‘My second wish was for a tall bird with a big back-side and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.’
I called the Swine Flu hotline - all I got was crackling
I heard that the first symptom is that you come out in rashers. Another is that you get the trotts.
I woke up with pig tails this morning ... Should I be worried?
The doctor asked me how long I’d had the symptoms of Swine Flu. I said it must have been about a Weeeeeeeeeeeeeek!
The only known cure for Swine Flu in humans has been found to be the liberal application of ‘oinkment’. IF YOU GET AN EMAIL ABOUT SWINE FLU DELETE IT AS ITS ONLY SPAM.
This little piggy went to market, This little piggy stayed at home, This little piggy had roast beef, This little piggy had none, And this little piggy had influenza A virus subtype hemagglutinin protein 1 neuraminidase protein 1.
Swine flu however, is not a problem for the pigs because they’re all going to be cured anyway!
News Flash .... This just in. The world’s religious leaders have issued a joint declaration that the Swine Flu pandemic is the start of the aporkalypse.
A new film is being planned, called “Aporkalypse Now”, with Kevin Bacon in the lead role.
Swine flu has now mixed with bird flu. Scientists say they will find a cure when pigs fly.
I just heard on the news that, “Swine Flu could potentially be a threat to every single person in the world”. Well it’s a good thing I’m married then, isn’t it?
This is not a time for panic. It is no pig deal. It is a mild hamdemic, don’t believe the spam you’re getting.
Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue ? In such a manner is the princely chicken’s dominion maintained.
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.
Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I’ll find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that’s the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Douglas Adams: Forty-two.
Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Ludwig Wittgenstein (Early): The possibility of “crossing” was encoded into the objects “chicken” and “road”, and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Ludwig Wittgenstein (Late): Because it had reached bedrock, and its spade was turned.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken- nature.
Salvador Dali: The Fish.
Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus: For fun.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn’t cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Molly Yard: It was a hen!
Gene Roddenberry: To boldly go where no chicken ...
Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.
1. Why are Pirates so piratey?
Because they arrrrrrrrrre
2. Why did Kevin Rudd go to hospital?
Because he went into labour
3. An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through the service, she leans over and says to her
husband, “I just let out a silent fart – what do you think I should do?”
He replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”
Counselor to new boy at camp: “We want you to be happy, so enjoy yourself here. And if there’s something you want that we haven’t got, then I’ll show you how to get along without it.”
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: “Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?”
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
“I was totally humiliated,” he moaned. “She insisted on washing the dishes.”
“What’s wrong with that?” asked his mother.
“We hadn’t started eating yet.”
===========================
I had put in an 18-hour day at work and was upset to find my four-year-old Zack asleep in bed with my husband when I got home. Zack squirms so much it is impossible to get a decent night’s sleep when he is with us. Exhausted, I collapsed into his bed instead, where I slept better than I had in years.
The next morning, I asked my husband, “Why was Zack in bed with you?”
“Oh,” he replied, shrugging, “he wet his bed, and I was too tired to change his sheets.”
===========================
My husband and I were discussing people’s eating habits. A devout meat-and-potatoes man, he listened as I described a co-worker who was a vegetarian. “Could you imagine never having a steak again,” I asked him, “and living on food like tofu, fruit, vegetables, and salad?”
“That stuff isn’t food,” he snorted. “That’s what food eats!”
===========================
One-Liners :
Whoever said there is no such thing as a stupid question has never worked in customer service.
I’m convinced that in a past life I was somebody named Occupant, and they’re still forwarding my mail.
Give some people an inch, and they’ll think they’re a ruler.
The best things in life are free..plus tax, shipping and handling.
Why is it that all of the instruments seeking intelligent life in the universe are pointed away from Earth?
My accountant is going to put me in a fancy tax shelter: Long Bay.
===========================
A customer in a bakery was observed carefully examining all the rich looking pastries displayed on trays in the glass cases.
A clerk approached him and asked, “What would you like?”
He said, “I’d like that chocolate-covered, cream-filled doughnut, that jelly-filled doughnut and that cheese Danish.”
Then with a sigh he added, “But I’ll take an oat bran muffin.”
NORTH POLE - Microsoft have announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa’s summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.
The announcement also included a notice that beginning Jan 1, 2010, “Christmas” and the “Reindeer” names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court.
Microsoft stated its commitment to “all who have made Christmas great,” and vowed to “make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all.” It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names will be very strict.
When asked “Why buy Christmas?” Bill Gates replied “Microsoft has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognised that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We’ll use it first for the release of our new Office suite and Windows NT V.5.0.”
In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal.
Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, “The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft organisation. This will take some time, so don’t expect any changes this year.” She continued, “our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 2010. It will be bigger and better than last year.” She further elaborated that “Windows users who sign up with MSN will get sneak previews of Christmas[2010] as early as November first.”
Christmas 2010 is scheduled for release in December of 2010, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 2011. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year’s economy and the nation’s tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. “But it could be good in the long term,” he explained. “With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year.”
When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that “Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the regaining will have to show a good long term business,” suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans.
Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld pending final FTC approval, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was “sizeable, even for a man of Santa’s stature.” Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year ‘round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond.
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue ‘W’.
COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue ‘w’ if you don’t start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
To the pure all things are pure. In marriage, one’s spouse is usually referred to as ‘your mate’ - as in the person with whom you ‘mate’ and have babies. Dictionary defines : “To unite in marriage. To become joined in marriage.”
As distinct from the blokey ‘mate’ that you play footy and have a drink with. Ok now maaaate ?
To be sure [to be sure], I’ve always seen the noun ‘mate’ as an Aussie term, the one you described as the one that you play footy and have a drink with! Rather than someone you marry.
Of course, the verb ‘mate’ has other connotations as you’ve said!
[null]Catholics File Suits on Contraceptive CoverageNew York Times[{}]At least 11 other Catholic and evangelical organizations had already filed lawsuits challenging the birth control mandate, but those cases are still pending. The White House declined to comment on Monday, instead providing President Obama's comments ...
[null]Catholic Groups File Suits on Contraceptive CoverageNew York Times[{}]At least 11 other Catholic and evangelical organizations had already filed lawsuits challenging the birth control mandate, but those cases are still pending. The White House declined to comment on Monday, instead providing President Obama's comments ...
RSS Feed