A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, ‘I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him.’ I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk; naturally…I assumed you had stolen the car.’
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts,” and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn’t 11 pronounced onety one?
“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
If people from Poland are called “Poles,” why aren’t people from Holland called “Holes?”
Bucharest Hotel Lobby - “The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time you will be unbearable.”
Leipzig elevator - “Do not enter the lift backwards and only when lit up”
Belgrade elevator - “To move the cabin, push forward for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number for a wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order”
Paris elevator - “Please leave your values at the front desk.”
Athenian hotel - “Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of…..”
Moscow Hotel - “You are invited to visit the cemetery where famous Soviet composers, authors and artists are buried daily except Thursday.”
Austrian ski hotel - “Do not perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.”
Swiss menu - “Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.”
Polish menu - “Salad of firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.”
Hong Kong dress shop - “Ladies have fits upstairs.”
Rhodes tailor shop - “Order your summer suit because it is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.”
Germany’s Black Forest - “It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married together for that reason.”
Swedish furrier - “Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.”
Japanese detour sign - “Stop: Drive sideways.”
Swiss mountain inn - “Special today - no ice cream.”
Copenhagen airline office - “We take your bags and send them in all directions.
Budapest zoo - “Please do not feed the animals. If you have suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.”
Acapulco hotel - “The manager has personally passed all the water served here.”
Japanese air conditioner - “Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.”
Tokyo car rental firm - “When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigour.”
> > A man
> > is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a
> > monastery.
> >
> > He
> > goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says,
> > “My car broke
> > down. Do
> > you think I could stay the night?”
> >
> > The Monks graciously accept him,
> > feed him dinner and even fix his car.
> >
> > As the man tries to fall asleep,
> > he hears a strange sound. A sound not
> > like anything he’s ever heard before.
> > Mystical and spiritual, full of beauty.
> >
> > The Sirens that nearly seduced
> > Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to
> > his mind.
> >
> > He doesn’t sleep
> > that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out
> > what
> > could possibly be
> > making such an intriguing and seductive sound.
> >
> > The next morning, he
> > asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say,
> > “We
> > can’t tell you. You’re
> > not a Monk.”
> >
> > Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
> >
> > Years
> > later, after never being able to forget that sound, the
> > man returns
> > to the
> > monastery and pleads for the answer again.
> >
> > The Monks reply, “We can’t
> > tell you. You’re not a Monk.”
> >
> > The man says, “If the only way I can find
> > out what is making that
> > beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please,
> > make me a Monk.”
> >
> > The Monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell
> > us how many blades of
> > grass there are and the exact number of grains of
> > sand. When you find
> > these answers, you will have become a Monk.”
> >
> > The
> > man sets about his task.
> >
> > After years of searching he returns as a
> > gray-haired old man and knocks on
> > the door of the monastery. A Monk
> > answers. He is taken before a gathering
> > of all the Monks.
> >
> > “In my
> > quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled
> > the
> > earth and
> > have found what you asked for:
> >
> > By design, the world is in a state of
> > perpetual change. Only God knows
> > what you ask. All a man can know is
> > himself, and only then if he is honest and
> > reflective and willing to strip
> > away self deception.”
> >
> > The Monks reply, “Congratulations. You have
> > become a monk. We shall now
> > show you the way to the mystery of the sacred
> > sound.”
> >
> > The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head
> > monk
> > says, “The
> > sound is beyond that door.”
> >
> > The Monks give him the key
> > and he opens the door.
> >
> > Behind the wooden door is another door- it is
> > made of stone.
> >
> > The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens
> > it, only to find a
> > door made of ruby.
> >
> > And so it went that he needed
> > keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
> >
> > Finally, they come to a
> > door made of solid gold. The sound has become very
> > clear and definite. The
> > Monks say, “This is the last key to the last
> > door.”
> >
> > The man is
> > apprehensive to no end. His life’s wish is behind
> > that door!
> >
> > With
> > trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob and
> > slowly
> > pushes the
> > door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to
> > discover
> > the
> > source of that haunting and seductive
> > sound…
> >
> > .
> >
> > .
> >
> > .
> >
> > .
> >
> > .
> >
> >
> > But I can’t
> > tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.
> > Cheers Ian Lawther
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.”
“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.
“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”
“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You come with us, also.”
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!”
“Bring them all, as well,” the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind.”
“Thank you for taking all of us with you.
The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high”
Good to know it got a laugh Kevin for a bloke like me to find ‘clean jokes’ is a bit restrictive but if you want to relax the guidlines a bit I am sure I could get aheap more laughs without stooping as low as Chaser.
Only joking mate I know its a church site.
Cheers IanLawther.
ps any one object to blonde jokes
I did like chasers blimp piece ;) ........but i must say it was the nasty bit of me that laughed ........so don’t really know how others took it.
Just have to tell you what my younger daughter (31) said yesterday after reading a few threads here and there. hehehheheheeeee “Well, one consellation (sp??), you seem to have them getting up a little earlier by the look of it .........that can’t be a bad thing!”
A woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco . Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her seeing-eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, ‘Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?’
The blind lady said, ‘No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.’
Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing-eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
Did you hear about the blind bloke who learnt to ‘cut and paste’ ......shame the teacher didn’t realise the implications hehehehheeeeeee!!
Ian, best you get some younger eyes in the room to peruse your post ......nothing major .....just a lot of open space that ain’t necessary. get it right Ian! heheheheeeeee
(for the others in the room ......Ian is a good friend who only recently discovered computers and the net but makes it a little harder when you also find yourself going blind)
.....keep on batting Dood!
Thanks Mike between you and Luke who pointed out Page zoom you may take equal responsibility for unleashing a teknakrat monster on cyber space, cant be much space out there now with the amount of stuff I’ve lost.
Cheers Ian Lawther.
I posted this only for the ‘Silent treatment’ then found the rest of the jokes so read it all have a laugh at ourselves and admit our ladies really are our “better halves”
Cheers Ian Lawther.
P.S.with me driving a computer any thing can happen todays blue has turned out allright but makes me wonder what I may have posted in the past and not known about.
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
‘Please wake me at 5:00 AM ’ He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.’
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, ‘Relatives of yours?’
‘Yep,’ the wife replied , ‘in-laws
WOMEN’S REVENGE
‘Cash, check or charge?’ I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?’ I asked.
‘No,’ she replied, ’ but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.’
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I’m not going to understand women.
I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root ,
and still be afraid of a spider.
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day…
30,000 to a man’s 15,000.
The wife replied, ‘The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men…
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, ‘What?’
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, ‘I don’t know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
’ The wife responded, ‘Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, ‘You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.’
The husband said, ’ You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.’
Wife replies, ‘No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee.’
Husband replies, ‘I can’t believe that, show me.’
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says….......‘HEBREWS’
God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
Arthur & George are talking about George’s 50th wedding anniversary…
Arthur said, “Tell me, George, just what is it you have learned from all
those wonderful years with your wife Rose?”
George responded, “Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty,
forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness — and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have
needed if you’d stayed single.”
“What about you Arthur, what did you do for your 25th Anniversary?”
Arthur said, “I took my wife to Hawaii.”
George then asked, “Hawaii, very nice. What are you thinking about for your 50th then?”
Arthur said, “Well I was thinking of bringing her back.”
Oh I don’t know about that Michael. I ‘m still laughing at that short 23 second clip. Seems like fact can be funnier than fiction. I could just see ( imagine ) his brain at work figuring what would be quicker. Maybe he should help run our state’s troubled transport system ;)
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, “What’s your IQ?”
The man replies “150” and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, Quantum physics and
spirituality, bio-mimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology, and sexual proclivities.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, “This is really cool.”
He decides to test the robot.
He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink.
Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, “What’s your IQ?” The man responds, “About 100.”
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time about league, Holdens, racing, the new BIG Mac, tattoos, Jennifer Hawkins and women in general.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test.
He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, “What’s your IQ?”
The man replies, “Err, 50, I think.”
And the robot says…real slowly… “So…............ya gonna vote for Kevin again?”
An old man was lying on his deathbed. He had only hours to live when he suddenly smelled chocolate chip cookies. He loved chocolate chip cookies more than anything in the world.
With his last bit of energy he pulled himself out of bed, struggled across the floor to the stairs, and headed down the stairs into the kitchen. There his wife was baking those aromatic cookies.
As he reached for one—SMACK! He felt a slap across the back of his hand. His wife scolded, “Leave those alone; they’re for the funeral!”
The monks at a remote monastery deep in the woods followed a rigid vow of silence. Their vow could only be broken once a year—on Christmas—by one monk. That monk could speak only one sentence. One Christmas, Brother Thomas had his turn to speak and said, “I love the delightful mashed potatoes we have every year with the Christmas roast!” Then he sat down. Silence ensued for 365 days.
The next Christmas, Brother Michael got his turn and said, “I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy, and I truly despise them!” Once again, silence ensued for 365 days.
The following Christmas, Brother Paul rose and said, “I am fed up with this constant bickering!”
[null]Sex and the SecularistsNew York Times (blog)[{}]Only one in five Catholics said that church leaders were the proper arbiters in such matters as divorce, abortion, sexual conduct, homosexuality and abortion. Even fewer people, only 10 percent of Catholics, believe that the church should have the ...
[null]In Colorado, a Struggle Between Pragmatism and PassionNew York Times (blog)[{}]But in Colorado's Republican Party, the divide between traditional party pragmatists and the forces of passion – a local and potent brew of evangelical religion, antitax fervor and suspicion of anointed establishment front-runners – has become ...
[null]The Church That Politics Turned Into a MosqueNew York Times[{}]The town, whose income depends largely on surrounding olive groves, had also begun to trade on its eminent place in the history of Christianity to attract faith tourism from the West. It was here in ancient Nicaea, as the town was then called, ...
[null]Santorum Talks Faith With Texas PastorsNew York Times (blog)[{}]He used his own experience to attack abortion, describing a phone call he received from a young man confined to a wheelchair who said that a pregnant woman facing giving birth to a child with his condition might consider an abortion.and more»
Santorum Talks Faith With Texas Pastors New York Times (blog) He used his own experience to attack abortion, describing a phone call he received from a young man confined to a wheelchair who said that a pregnant woman facing giving birth to a child with his condition might consider an abortion.
[null]The Khmer Rouge's Perfect VillainNew York Times[{}]And he spoke of how, after eight years as a chief executioner in Pol Pot's police, in the late 1980s he quietly returned to teaching in northwestern Cambodia and a few years later swapped his faith in communism for Christianity.and more»
The Khmer Rouge's Perfect Villain New York Times And he spoke of how, after eight years as a chief executioner in Pol Pot's police, in the late 1980s he quietly returned to teaching in northwestern Cambodia and a few years later swapped his faith in communism for Christianity.
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