mightychurch.com

I came upon this in my 2008 archives - I still find it amusing.

If you day is a little difficult today, give thanks we are not in this
situation. Don’t you love creative solutions free from political
correctness ??

This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School California
staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering
machine . This is the actual answering machine message for the school.
This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and
parents to be responsible for their children’s absences and missing
homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want
their children’s failing grades changed to passing grades - even though
those children were absent 15 to 30 times during the semester and did
not complete enough school work to pass.

The outgoing message :

  Hello ! You have reached the automated answering service of
your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff
member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work-Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn’t get information that was already
enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

To request another teacher, for the third time this year -Press 8

To complain about bus transportation- Press 9

To complain about school lunches -Press 0

If you realise this is the real world and your child must be
accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work,
homework and that it’s not the teachers’ fault for your child’s lack of
effort : Hang up and have a nice day !

If you want this in another language, move to a country that
speaks it.

Christianity Today’s Cartoon of the Month :

There’s an old joke that politics is showbusiness for ugly people. Who would want to disagree with that. Anyone got any political jokes to help us through the next 37 sleeps ?

I dont know if I have told this one before, but.

A man goes into a hotel for a drink and lunch, and he witnesses the following events.

Someone goes up to the bar, picks up a microphone and says in a husky, amusing voice - “14”.

There is then general laughter from the patrons sitting in the crowded room.

The man asks, “what was that all about?”

The bartender explains that this hotel is frequented by professional comedians, and they all know each other’s jokes very well. So they have devised a system where they have given all their repetoire of jokes a number which relates to that particular joke. He further explains that if they say that number, the other comedians know that joke, which may relate to what is going on between them.

The man asks, “would I be able to have a go too?”

The bartender says “Yes, I guess so”.

The man goes over and takes up the mike and says “number 63”.

There is then silence for a moment, and then the whole house breaks out in uncontrollable laughter.

The man asks, ” hey, what just happened?”
The bartender says, “Oh, they havn’t heard that one before”.

Not too sure if this Presbyterian or Anglican in design, but definitely one for the ladies :

source

The o.p. suggests we post old corny jokes, and I think these fit both criteria very adequately!
     
HOLY HUMOR

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
“Is there anything breakable in here?” asked the postal clerk.
“Only the Ten Commandments.” answered the lady.
 
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter.  Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 10 times.  If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.”
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note “I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket I’ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.”

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation:
“I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets.”

While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor,
because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign… “Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.  Caution: Do not step in exhaust.”

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, “Boys and girls, what do we know about God?”
A hand shot up in the air. “He is an artist!” said the kindergarten boy.
“Really? How do you know?” the teacher asked.
“You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven… “

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but
there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
“Reverend,” said the young man, “I’m so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.”
The minister chuckled, “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.”

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, “Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilt.”
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning’s Sunday school lesson was about.
He said “Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.” 

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
“Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently. “But, you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”
During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”
At that moment, the substitute organist played “The Star Spangled Banner.”
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

Yeah that’s corny!

A woman has just returned to her home from an evening church service when she is startled by a burglar. She catches the man in the act and yells: “Stop! Acts 2:38 !” (which we all recall is “Repent and be baptised, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.”)

The thief stops in his tracks. The woman calmly calls the police and explains what she has done. As the officer cuffs the man, he asks: “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.”

“Scripture?!” replies the burglar. “She said she had an axe and two .38s !”

Texting for seniors

Here is a list of abbreviations that may be handy for someone who is a little “older”...

> Texting Abbreviations for the Elderly
> *
> ATD : At The Doctors
> BFF : Best Friend Fell
> BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
> BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
> CBM : Covered By Medicare
> CGU : Can’t Get Up
> CUATSC : See You At The Seniors Centre
> DWI: Driving While Incontinent
> FWB: Friend With Betablockers
> FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
> FYI : Found Your Insulin
> HGBM : Had Good Bowel Movement
> JK: Just Kvetching
> GGPBL : Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low
> GGLKI : Gotta Go Laxative Kicking In
> GHA : Got Heartburn Again
> GOML: Get Off My Lawn
> GTG: Gotta Groan
> IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
> LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
> LOL: Living On Lipitor!
> LWO : Lawrence Welk’s On
> MGAD: My Grandson’s A Doctor
> MILF: Meal I’d Like To Forget
> OMG: Ouch, My Groin!
> OMMR : On My Massage Recliner
> OMSG : Oh My ! Sorry, Gas.
> ROFLACGU: Rolling On Floor Laughing . . . And Can’t Get Up
> RULKM: Are You Leaving Kids Money?
> SUS: Speak Up, Sonny
> TGIF: Thank Goodness It’s Four (o’clock)
> TTYL: Talk To You Louder
> WAITT : Who Am I Talking To ?
> WIWYA: When I Was Your Age
> WTF: What’s Today’s Fish?
> WTFA : Wet The Furniture Again
> WTP : Where’s The Prunes ?
> WWNO : Walker Wheels Need Oiling

This visual comment on Bin Laden’s demise hits several targets :

http://www.theaustralian.com.au/news/opinion/gallery-e6frg6zx-1111119669474?page=9

Internet Church Service :

Some comments :

A player landing on this place does not receive any money, property or reward of any kind. This is just a “free” resting-place.  ( Makes one wonder… )

[ Sung to tune “They will know we are Christians by our Love” ]

” There’s a fish on my Lexus, there’s a fish on my Saab,
There’s a fish on my Lexus, there’s a fish on my Saab,
With my fish I can tell the world I’m driving for the Lord,
And they’ll see how God has blessed me by the car I can afford.
Yes, they’ll know we are Christians by the fish on our cars,
Yes, they’ll know we are Christians by our cars. “

( I wonder how true these sentiments are ? )

 
Brian called me away from peeling the potatoes to show me this cartoon.
 
No resemblance to anyone on this forum, of course.

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates,
he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, “What are all those clocks for?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on
earth has a Lie-Clock.  Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.”

“Oh”, said the man. “Whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s”, replied St. Peter.  “The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”

“Incredible”, said the man. “And whose clock is that one?”

St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock.  The hands have moved twice,
telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.”

“Where’s Julia Gillard’s clock?” asked the man.
St Peter replied, “Jesus has it in his office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.”

 
http://www.cagle.com/news/Starving11/main.asp

Q: “What’s worse than a worm in an apple?”

A: “Half a worm in half an apple!”