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Domestic Terrorist ?

                              Sharia Law comes to America.

Going to Heaven :

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?”

“NO!” the children answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?” Again, the answer was, “NO!”

By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! “Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?” I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, “NO!”

I was just bursting with pride for them. “Well,” I continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?”

A five-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!!!”

You gotta quote it Kevin because I thought this was a real story from your own experience, and when I got to this bit my brain kinda froze.

By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! “Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?” I asked them again.

LOL at the implications !

Thanks for your editorial eye to detail, Dave - I was obviously working at hyperspace speed ( who needs super-fast NBN ? ) without dotting the ” i’s ” , crossing the ” t’s ” - or checking for same sex marriages ;)

Have now “quoted” it. Thanks - but will now have to confess my typo error to my ( hopefully ) understanding and darling wife ;)

Did you hear about the Mexican firemen?
Jose and HoseB.
 
...
 
This one is is a bilingual joke.  You need a bit of French, plus you need to pronounce out the first bit.
 
Domestic scene:
Him: Je t’adore.
Her: Ferme-la toi-meme.
(ta door, that is)

The Greatest Fish Story Ever Told :

There are three people stranded on a desert island,  a physicist, an engineer, and an economist, and they only have a family tin of baked beans between them. However, they have no tin opener. So they are sitting round a campfire, discussing how to open the tin.
 
The physicist suggests that they should put the tin on top of the fire, the heat will expand the water, the pressure will blow the lid off the tin, and they can get the beans out that way.  The engineer disagrees, saying they should bang the tin against a rock until it breaks open.
   
“No no no”, says the economist, “that’s not the best way to do it. First of all, let’s assume we have a tin opener”.

Church singles congregate together :