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Domestic Terrorist ?

                              Sharia Law comes to America.

Going to Heaven :

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?”

“NO!” the children answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?” Again, the answer was, “NO!”

By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! “Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?” I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, “NO!”

I was just bursting with pride for them. “Well,” I continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?”

A five-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!!!”

You gotta quote it Kevin because I thought this was a real story from your own experience, and when I got to this bit my brain kinda froze.

By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! “Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?” I asked them again.

LOL at the implications !

Thanks for your editorial eye to detail, Dave - I was obviously working at hyperspace speed ( who needs super-fast NBN ? ) without dotting the ” i’s ” , crossing the ” t’s ” - or checking for same sex marriages ;)

Have now “quoted” it. Thanks - but will now have to confess my typo error to my ( hopefully ) understanding and darling wife ;)

Did you hear about the Mexican firemen?
Jose and HoseB.
 
...
 
This one is is a bilingual joke.  You need a bit of French, plus you need to pronounce out the first bit.
 
Domestic scene:
Him: Je t’adore.
Her: Ferme-la toi-meme.
(ta door, that is)

The Greatest Fish Story Ever Told :

There are three people stranded on a desert island,  a physicist, an engineer, and an economist, and they only have a family tin of baked beans between them. However, they have no tin opener. So they are sitting round a campfire, discussing how to open the tin.
 
The physicist suggests that they should put the tin on top of the fire, the heat will expand the water, the pressure will blow the lid off the tin, and they can get the beans out that way.  The engineer disagrees, saying they should bang the tin against a rock until it breaks open.
   
“No no no”, says the economist, “that’s not the best way to do it. First of all, let’s assume we have a tin opener”.

Church singles congregate together :

They preach a hot gospel.

See image at : http://www.headlineshirts.net/one-less-car-t-shirt.html

ONE LESS CAR

It’s time to get real about the environment. To do my part, I’ve stopped driving whenever possible. Biking? Not for me, I’m afraid. (Can’t seem to find a comfortable seat.) No, instead I ride around town in my 1960s Aerojet Rocketpack. Sure, my half-mile commute to work now uses enough fuel to drive a Hummer limo across Montana, but it’s all about having one less car on the road.

Call it my quiet statement against oil wars. (Except, as my neighbours will attest, it’s anything but quiet. It sounds pretty much like a jet blasting off from the driveway next door.)

And here are some other planet-saving tips. 1. Instead of wasting paper towels, use a leaf blower to dry your dishes. 2. Replace your refrigerator at least twice a year to make sure it runs with maximum efficiency. 3. Paper coffee cups usually end up in a landfill! Instead of throwing them out, burn them in your backyard. (Use a low, smoldering flame that goes on for hours.)

First there was Master Chef, and then there was the Iron Chef - and finally now on the Spiritual Food Network we have ....

Rare manuscript found :

“Happy Thanksgiving” to all our dear American friends ;)

Overweight Irishman goes to doctor.

Doctor says, I want you to lose at least 5kg in a fortnight. Now take this advice. Eat for two days, skip a day, eat for two days, skip a day etc.
Come back in a week.

Irishman comes back and has lost 30kg. Doctor is worried and asks how have you done it.

Irishman says, “well, I went well until the third day, when I thought i would die. Skipping all that day was so exhausting.

That’s funny!

Lightheadedness :

My Blackberry Is Not Working !  See Ronnie Corbett in this video clip ( 2’53” ) :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39jKi0lI