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Why not post your old corny jokes here?

My wife sent me these, even though most of them were first told to her by me.

1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, “I’ve lost my electron.”
The other says, “Are you sure?”
The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive…”

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

5. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”

6. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

7. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
“A beer please, and one for the road.”

8. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

9. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’”
“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
“Is it common?”
Doc says “It’s Not Unusual.”

11. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.”
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”
“No, because he’s really heavy.”

Hey David,

Thanks for starting this thread - I’ve been meaning to do it for a while. Goodness knows we all could do with a good laugh ;)

Why not post your old corny jokes here?

Are new fresh corny jokes welcome as well ?

It’s a beautiful day outside and we’re just off to see Art Express at the Newington Armory - and then have a BBQ beside the Parramatta River - so will post a few jokes after we return. )

A man walks into a bar. “Ouch! That hurt!”

Frog Noise, please

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, “Grandpa, please make a frog noise.”

The Grandpa says, “No.”

The little boy goes on, “Please…please make a frog noise.”

The Grandpa says, “No, now go play.”

The little boy then says to his sister, “Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise.”

So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, “Please make a frog noise.”

The Grandpa says, “I just told your brother ‘no’ and I’m telling you ‘no’.”

The little girl says, “Please…please Grandpa make a frog noise.”

The Grandpa says, “Why do you want me to make a frog noise?”

The little girl replied, “Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!”

A young boy arrived to Sunday School class late. His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.

The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church instead. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing.

To which the boy replied, “Yes he did. My dad said that he didn’t have enough bait for both of us.”

What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?

A woolly jumper.

Hi David, Today’s theme is “BIRTHDAYS”. Are they corny enough for you ?

Birthdays are nature’s way of telling us to eat more cake. — Edward Morykwas

The old lady was being interviewed by reporters on the occasion of her 110th birthday.  “What do you think is the reason for your long life?” they asked her.  “Oh,” she replied, “I suppose it’s because I was born such a long time ago.”

Forget about the past, you can’t change it.
Forget about the future, you can’t predict it.
Forget about the present, I didn’t get you one.

Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said I needed an upgrade.

A true friend remembers your birthday but not your age.

I’ll never make the mistake of being 70 again. —  Casey Stengel

Q:  What do you always get on your birthday?
A:  Another year older!

Q:  What did the elephant wish for on his birthday?
A:  A trunk full of gifts!

Q:  What do you give a 900-pound gorilla for his birthday?
A:  I don’t know, but you’d better hope he likes it!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Abby.
Abby who?
Abby birthday.

Nostalgia ain’t what it used to be.

I intend to live forever—so far, so good!  —  Stephen Wright

Start every day with a smile and get it over with.  —W.C. Fields

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. —Bob Hope

Age is a question of mind over matter.  If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.—Satchel Paige

There’s a silver lining to being a cancer survivor.
People said to me, “Are you freaked out that you’re turning 50?”
Hell, no.  I’m thrilled to be turning 50.
—Fran Drescher

Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday. Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner. Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, “A bottle of wine?”
His employees replied, “No.”
Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. “A bottle of scotch?”
His employees replied again, “No.”
Finally the boss asked, “I give up. What is it?”
His workers responded, “A puppy.”

Don’t worry about temptation—as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.

“Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
“Next time don’t eat the candles.”

Rock stars used to say, “Don’t trust anyone over 30!” Now that many are over 50 they say, “Oops, we didn’t mean us.”

If there are 23 people in a room, there’s a 50% chance that two of them will share a birthday.  It’s been proven mathematically.

Blowing out candles is good exercise for the lungs.

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

Where would you learn to make ice cream?  -  At sundae school.

What is the left side of a birthday cake?  -  The side that’s not eaten.

You know you’re getting older when…  it takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

Real birthdays are not annual affairs.
Real birthdays are the days when we have a new birth.
—Ralph Parlette

The high cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.

Time and tide wait for no sandcastle, no matter how well it’s built.

All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players.
They have their exits and entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts.
—William Shakespeare

What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common ?  They were all born on holidays.

Nice to be here?  At my age it’s nice to be anywhere. —George Burns

What does every birthday end with ?    Y !

Today’s theme is : Church-Talk

The Living Lexicon: Church Terms that Oughta Be

Biblidue: The build-up of bookmarks, bulletins, notes, and other miscellanea that collects in one’s Bible.

Clivaholic: One who can no longer control the compulsion to quote C.S. Lewis in every sermon, lesson, or conversation.

Hymnastics: The entertaining body language of the song leader.

Narthexegesis: Unsolicited post-sermon commentary given the preacher by armchair biblical theologians.

Pewtrify: To occupy a precise spot in the sanctuary for more than 15 years without once showing signs of sentient life.

Ministereotype: A common myth or misconception about any ordained person.

Deaconscript: An unwilling church officer cajoled into a position of leadership.

Hi-litaholic: One who cannot resist highlighting Bible verses until the entire volume is a multihued mass of Day-Glo vibrancy.

Hymnprovisation: The abrupt and unannounced transition from one song to another, usually a chorus unfamiliar to most present.

Proliferation: An abundance of anti-abortion activists.

Pulpituitary: That phenomenon familiar to those seated on the front pew, during which a preacher produces hazardous conditions with alliterative P’s.

( from Rob Suggs in Leadership, Vol. 10, no. 2. )

REASONS NOT TO WASH

If you took the same excuses that people use for not going to church and apply them to other important areas of life you’d realize how inconsistent we can be in our logic.  For example:

Reasons Not To Wash

1. I was forced to as a child.
2. People who make soap are only after your money.
3. I wash on special occasions like Christmas and Easter.
4. People who wash are hypocrites-they think they are cleaner than everyone else.
5. There are so many different kinds of soap, I can’t decide which one is best.
6. I used to wash, but it got boring so I stopped.
7. None of my friends wash.
8. The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the summer.
9. I’ll start washing when I get older and dirtier.
10. I can’t spare the time

( This one’s for RIW, Eric and Donna )

Speeding Pope
The driver packs all Pope Benedict’s luggage into the limo, and notices the Pope still on the curb.  “Excuse me, Your Holiness,” says the driver, “Would you please take your seat so we can leave?” 
“Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a
cardinal, and I’d really like to drive today.” 
“I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I can’t let you do that. I’d lose my job! What if something should
happen?” 
“Who’s going to tell?” says the Pope with a smile. 
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. But the driver
quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the
limo to 200 km/h.  “Please slow down, Your Holiness!” pleads the driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
” Oh, dear God, I’m going to lose my license—and my job ! ” moans the driver. 
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.  “I need to talk to the Chief,” he says to the dispatcher. 
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going 205 kph.
“So bust him,” says the Chief.
“I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,” said the cop. 
The Chief exclaimed,” All the more reason!”
“No, I mean really important,” said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, “Who do you have there, the mayor?” 
Cop: “Bigger.”
Chief: “A senator?”
Cop: “Bigger.”
Chief: “The Prime Minister?”
Cop: “Bigger.”
“Well,” said the Chief, “Who is it?” 
Cop: “I think it’s God!”
“What makes you think it’s God?” asks the Chief, even more puzzled.
Cop: “His chauffeur is the Pope!”

On a warm summer’s evening…

The Beach Boys walk into a bar
“Round?”
“Round?”
“Get a round”
“I get a round?”
“Get a round….”

That’s clever Kevin…..still laughing/chuckling.
.........except I can’t get the stupid song out of my head now.

One of my mums riddles
As I walked through a field of wheat,
  I picked up something good to eat.
It was neither fish, flesh, blood nor bone,
  but I kept it ‘til it walked alone.

What was it?

Michael, obviously it was Exceptionally Good Grub to eat.

Best I could think of within the constraints Kevin…..so I reverted to a childhood riddle. 
....I’ll try harder ;)
How about this one??......I finally found a joke about ‘clean’ for this thread maybe…..or am I taking the mickey out of the header heheheeheeeee
165K .mpg file

ps…strangley I think racist and derogatory jokes are far worse than ‘dirty’ ones .......‘clever’ is what I look for.
I so wanted to tell the one about ‘three dogs at the vet’ but I guess that ones definitely out heheheheheeeeee ....shame you missed it. ;)

Micheal It is naughty because it did not mention the wife!

Tickles me as my wife dabbles in the art world with her leather sculptures etc .....I’m easy to pick at any of her exhibitions or even when we occasionally visit others works ......I’m the guy with the JB can in the corner with nothing to say.
Funny is another area where we all differ ....that last joke was about political correctness if I’m not mistaken. hehehheeheee
who’s seen Borat? ......I can barely watch it but find it so funny ......he’s the master of breaking every pc rule in the book heheheheeeee
Who can say they didn’t laugh at Borats reaction when he received the telegram that his wife had died?

Another classic :

The Ungrateful Dead

Three friends arrived at the Pearly Gates at the same time. As part of their orientation to heaven, Saint Peter asked what kind of remarks they would most like to hear from their family and friends at their funerals.

” I would like to hear them say I was a great doctor and a good family man, ” said the first.

” I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and that during my career as a schoolteacher I made a difference in many lives, ” chimed in the second fellow.

” Those both sound terrific, ” replied the third, ” but I would just like to hear them say, ‘Look ! He’s moving ! “

Believing the Bible

A certain pastor observed a little girl standing outside the pre-school Sunday school classroom between Sunday school and worship, waiting for her parents to come and pick her up for “big church.” The pastor noticed that she clutched a big storybook under her arm with the title “Jonah and the Whale.”

Feeling mischievous, he knelt beside the girl and asked, “What’s that you have in your hand?”

“This is my storybook about Jonah and the whale,” she answered.

“Tell me something,” he continued, “do you believe that story about Jonah and the whale?”

The girl said, “Why, of course I believe it!”

The pastor inquired further, “You really believe a man can be swallowed up by a big whale, stay inside him all that time, and come out okay?”

She declared, “Yes! This story is in the Bible, and we talked about it in Sunday school today.”

Then the pastor asked, “Can you prove to me this story is true?”

She thought for a moment and then said, “Well, when I get to heaven, I’ll ask Jonah.”

Finally the pastor asked, “What if Jonah’s not in heaven?”

The girl put her hands on her hips and sternly declared, “Then YOU can ask him!”

An oldie - but worthy of another re-run :

Woman Misses Husband’s Funeral

There is a huge rivalry in college basketball between the University of Louisville and the University of Kentucky. The story is told that at one of the games between the two schools, an elderly woman was sitting alone with an empty seat next to her. Someone approached her and said, “Ma’am, I have rarely seen an empty seat in Rupp Arena, let alone at a game between these two teams. Whose seat is this?”

The woman responded that she and her late husband had been season-ticket holders for 28 years, and the seat had belonged to him.

“Well, couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come to the game with you?” the observer asked.

“Are you kidding?” she replied. “They’re all at my husband’s funeral.”

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.  Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL ! Put in some more butter ! Oh my gosh ! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY ! Turn them ! TURN THEM NOW ! We need more butter. Oh my gosh ! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER ? They’re going to STICK ! Careful. CAREFUL ! I said be CAREFUL ! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking ! Never ! Turn them ! Hurry up ! Are you CRAZY ? Have you LOST your mind ? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the Salt ! USE THE SALT ! THE SALT !’

The wife stared at him.

‘What in the world is wrong with you ? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs ?’

The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’

Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon,
and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.
‘Okay class. Now I’m going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote,
can have Monday off’ said the teacher.
‘Who is credited with writing the phrase
‘To be or not to be, That is the question,’ asked the teacher.
Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out,
‘Shakespeare’.
‘Well done!’ said the teacher, ‘You can have Monday off.
‘No thank you Miss.
I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can,
so I will be here on Monday studying hard,’ said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.
‘Well okay,’ said the teacher.
The next quote is, ‘I had a dream!
’ Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out ‘I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!’
‘Well done!’ said the teacher.
‘You can have Monday off’ ‘
No thanka you miss. I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school.
Education is evelything to us,  so I will be in on Monday studying hard too,’  said little Fri Sum Kat.
‘Okay,’ said the teacher.
Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom,
‘F#^*ing > Asians!’
‘Who said that?’ yelled the teacher in an angry tone..
‘Pauline Hanson!’ yelled little Johnny.

‘See ya Tuesday!!!!

Michael,  Please write out 100 times : “This is the CLEAN JOKE thread”.
And ponder the use of appropriate language…. especially if attempts are used to try and ‘mask’ it with symbols. It is still unacceptable.

Michael, I did have a giggle (and I’m of Asian background), but I have to agree with Kevin G; please keep the jokes nice and clean!

And leally, if you don’t have family that comes from those countlies, let US be the ones to send oulselves up by tlying to speak like that!

Legards,
Tia Zheng.

The joke is on Johnnie in this case Tia (my playing with the spelling was to amuse the thick heheheheeee) .....and every ‘blue eyed’ aussie should realize we ain’t that smart hehehheeeee (excuse the blue eyes ...but most get the meaning)

Happy Mother’s Day greetings :

Humorous Things My Mother Taught Me

My mother taught me about the food groups :  “If you put one foot outside that door, you’re not getting any homemade bread.”

My mother taught me contortions :  “Have you seen the dirt on the back of your neck ?”

My mother taught me to stand firm :  “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is finished.”

My mother taught me about weather :  “Looks as if a tornado swept through your room.”

My mother taught me about hypocrisy :  “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times—Don’t exaggerate !”

My mother taught me the circle of life :  “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

My mother taught me about behaviour programming :  “Stop acting like your father !”

My mother taught me about envy :  “There are millions of less fortunate children who don’t have parents like yours !”

Famous Mum Quotes :

HUMPTY DUMPTY’S MOTHER: 
Humpty, If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times not 
to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me ? Noooo !

MICHELANGELO’S MOTHER: 
Mike, why can’t you paint on walls like other children ? Do you have 
any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling ?

NAPOLEON’S MOTHER: 
All right, Napoleon. If you aren’t hiding your report card inside 
your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it !

CUSTER’S MOTHER: 
Now, George, remember what I told you—don’t go biting off 
more than you can chew !

ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S MOTHER: 
Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe ? Can’t you just wear a baseball 
cap like the other kids ?

ALBERT EINSTEIN’S MOTHER: 
But, Albert, it’s your senior picture. Can’t you do something 
about your hair ? Styling gel, mousse, something…?

GEORGE WASHINGTON’S MOTHER: 
The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you 
can kiss your allowance good-bye !

JONAH’S MOTHER: 
That’s a nice story, but now tell me where you’ve really been 
for the last three days.

SUPERMAN’S MOTHER: 
Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we’ve decided 
you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending 
so much time in all those phone booths ?

THOMAS EDISON’S MOTHER: 
Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb, 
Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed !
                                                                  ( from “Parenting Funnies” )