It preaches frequent sex as the cure for temptation and lust - so what the heck are singles supposed to do?
Really gets me annoyed seeing tripe that that peddled on allegedly christian websites. WHEN are people going to understand there is an important and essential ministry to singles in this modern western 20th century family dominated church of ours?
[ Edited: 22 February 2009 12:38 PM by Luke Stevens]
Now that was funny!
Sorry KR, singles would find it a burden, but really, you can’t take that kind of thing seriously. It’s like saying frequent material acquisition is the cure for greed, or having a few weeks lie down will sort out sloth.
Frequent sex for married couples ? I see nothing wrong with that at all. Thanks for pointing out this important article. “so what the heck are singles supposed to do?” - As Driscoll says, practise chastity - then get married.
Gee, Kevin, is that all I’m missing? Just going and getting married? Stupid me! I never thought of just going and getting married. You must have been taking a few leafs from the Graig Schwarze view of life that if a christian woman is over 30 and unmarried it’s HER fault!!
Let me tell you all of you who hold to that view - the biggest reason by far that christian women over that age are single is because there are NO christian men (because our brothers aren’t out there ministering to the comunity to convert more men) and because all single men over 30 seem to uniformly have the view that if you say something as simply as “hey, feel like grabbing a coffee after class/church/something” it is inexorably akin to “Gee, I’m free next Tueday, want to get married?”. Get over yourselves!! How the hell else are we supposed to get to know a guy if they won’t even spend time with us because of said inalienable view that to spend more than 8 seconds in the company of a single women with no chaperone is therefore a binding marriage proposal. Unless you are single and over thirty and female you have NO IDEA of the pain us women are in, as our prospects of ever bearing our own desperately wanted children dwindle rapidly while those who could provide said children are busy talking exclusively to themselves and steadfastly refusing to even look in our direction because they believe that it will be seen as a marriage proposal. Get over yourselves and just come and have a cup of coffee so we can actually interact as siblings in Christ!? Is that so bloody hard?
That, Craig Schwarze and Mr Goddard, is why a lot of women over 30 are still single in the church, and are hurting very badly from church being a couples and parents and childrens fest every week week in week out month after month after year after year.
We might be single but we are not invisible - THAT was the tripe element I was pointing out in the article, not the fact its advice is useless. I’m pointing out the completely utterly absent acknowledgement of the very real, very painful issues faced by single christians over 30. I have only very, very rarely met a married couple who include me in their dinner parties (oh my goodness!! An uneven number!! The earth will stop turning on its axis soon!!), their nights in watching tv on the couch with pizza and their own activities going to the beach for the fun of it one sat afternoon, not as a pity measure for a social leper, but because they see and understand their duties to me as a christian sister to include me in what they do and not ignore me until I reach that hallowed state of marriage where there are no uneven numbers at the dinner party table.
[ Edited: 15 February 2009 09:09 PM by Kathryn Roach]
No Kevin, it’s not thin skinned, it’s a sad reality that the church has largely ignored and failed to provide for the older singles in its congregation. By minimising the issue and dismissing it as merely “thin skinned” as though singles should have to just take it all all the time without wimpering because after all they are the silent ones not permitted to speak up is the very attitude I was pointing out in the link in the OP.
When was the last time you had a single person round to dinner and had, God forbid, an uneven number of people at the dinner table, or included them in your activities, or just generally engaged in any form of ministry to older singles at your church?
[ Edited: 15 February 2009 08:55 AM by Kathryn Roach]
I’m particularly underwhelmed by the resurgence blogs or whatever they are. What is this - Christianity plus testosterone?
If MD & friends need to talk like this to link relevantly to their surrounding culture, that culture must be in an appalling state. I suppose it is.
Lovemaking is the enjoyment of physical oneness that God permits for heterosexual married couples alone.
Next he says :
It is God who made us male and female for sexual pleasure, God who said it was not good for us to be alone, and God who created and blessed both marriage and the sexual enjoyment it provides.
Furthermore, it is God the Holy Spirit who inspired the writing of Scripture that provides great freedom in the marriage covenant and encourages the pursuit of pleasure within marital intimacy. Examples of this include the very liberated book Song of Songs, as well as various other Scriptures
Then he acknowledges the ‘very liberated’ Song of Songs ( on which he has prepared an excellent 10 sermon series ) and then references verses from Genesis 2:24-25, Proverbs 5:18-19 and 1 Cor 7:3-5.
He concludes with :
In our age of rampant sexual sin, God intends for us to learn the spiritual discipline of sexual chastity while we are unmarried. However, God also blessed marriage as the holy outlet for sexual desire and one means of protection from the temptation to engage in sexual sin.
Married couples who do not have free and frequent intimacy together are warned by Paul that they are leaving themselves vulnerable to Satan’s temptations to either sexual sin or bitterness. Therefore, God’s answer to our desire for oneness and pleasure is to overcome our shame and fear through the gospel so that we can give ourselves in every way to our spouse, and also receive them as God’s gift to us.
All I see is a Christian pastor trying to explain the unexpurgated truth from the Bible. Where is it unbiblical in any way ? Surely that is the standard to judge it by.
(Actually, now that it has been brought to my attention I feel like publishing this mini-sermon in our next newsletter - or maybe I’ll just wait until next year’s Valentine’s Day which falls on a Sunday.)
Kathryn, I honestly suggest you be more careful when posting here. I can completely understand that you could have been hurt by losers in the past and ignored by self-centred Christians, but your posts here are not helping your cause. Any single guy who read your posts here would run away.
That, Craig Schwarze and Mr Goddard, is why a lot of women over 30 are still single in the church, and are hurting very badly from church being a couples and parents and childrens fest every week week in week out month after month after year after year.
Where is God in this? Maybe he wants lots of singles, maybe not. He certainly doesn’t want them hurting though.
I don’t think it’s unbiblical. I actually think it’s good advice, if anything rather obvious.
It’s more a question of overall balance. A huge proportion of resurgence stuff seems to be about sexuality or masculinity. To be Biblical in the big picture, over time, the balance should reflect the balance in scripture.
Kathryn, I honestly suggest you be more careful when posting here. I can completely understand that you could have been hurt by losers in the past and ignored by self-centred Christians, but your posts here are not helping your cause. Any single guy who read your posts here would run away.
Oh please, if you can’t vent on a random internet forum, where can you vent?
I’m disturbed to hear that..
...because all single men over 30 seem to uniformly have the view that if you say something as simply as “hey, feel like grabbing a coffee after class/church/something” it is inexorably akin to “Gee, I’m free next Tueday, want to get married?”.
I would have thought people would have been more chilled out >30, not more skittish, how weird :\
Just on a social level, I have no idea how Christians are really supposed to meet new people in their 20s/30s etc in any kind of meaningful way.
Churches are generally pretty lousy places (imo) for social interaction with people you know, let alone people you don’t. Beyond that what is there - roll the dice and hope you land in a bible study with interesting people?
Not that it’s a problem I have to deal with right now, with more pressing issues vis a vis my health, but still it’s pretty hard when you feel like you’re on a train that isn’t stopping at relationship station any time soon, let alone family etc.
That said watching most people pair off en masse with people in their church in their late teens/early twenties is really kinda weird.
On Driscoll & co, I think in a lot of ways he sells simplistic life direction to young impressionable people in a very complex world, and that makes it very appealing to them. Forget all the trials and tribulations of life - you get married, be a MAN (or dainty woman), play your role, have “free and frequent intimacy together”, live happily ever after. It’s simple, it’s easy, it all works out perfectly, it’s what God wants, and it has very, very little to do with Actual Real Life(tm).
Au contraire Danii - it landed me a very polite, considered and genuine invite to a coffee! And I think you missed the point of my OP - it’s a compaint re there being no singles m inistry in churches, not a rant for a “cause”. I am a person, not a movement.
When was the last time you had a single person round to dinner and had, God forbid, an uneven number of people at the dinner table, or included them in your activities, or just generally engaged in any form of ministry to older singles at your church?
If Lucy Chik were here she could put her hand up at this point; she and her family hosted me just last month!
God bless my cathedral friends!! They’re a real special gift from Him. I really appreciate how much they look after me!
I don’t understand this single verses marrieds??? There are many divorcess out there now as well.
I married a divorcee and only had teenagers for a number of years full time and as they began to leave High School and work they moved between their mother and us until they could afford their own place. At the moment childless.
I have even numbers of friends who are Single and Married. Of course it is easier to go meet up with my Single friends then married friends.
I married late in life so I’ve been a Single and Married person within a Church and honestly Church is what you make of it. If the sermon doesn’t speak to you this week, big deal if you are reading your Bible through the week I’m sure you will get something from your own Quiet Time. Honestly how thrilled am I to hear a “Wives Submit to your Hubby’s” Sermon(again) or to have Proverbs 31 compared to my pitiful attempts of being Super Wife? Please let me join the Singles Church.
Not sure who you are listening to on the subject of SEX. Paul made it plain if you are “Hot to Trot” get married. Good adivce. He also said if you can stay Single then good on you. A Single man or woman can do more for the Church then one who is weighed down with marital or family responsbilities.
I didn’t appreciate how busy married women with Children are until I spent a few years doing it myself. Mothers of Babies and pre-schoolers, enough said. Add working to the mix. Even when they go to school you are still busy most of the time. It doesn’t really get easier when they get to their teen years, if anything more stressful. By the time they start finishing school or working you often find attention that used to be taken by your kids is transfered to elderly parents. These women do most of the Church organising of Social events and minsitries. They of course take creche and Sunday schools. They often do the office work. They make the tea and serve food after services and at almost all the Social events. These women volunteer to cook meals for when there is a need and not jsut once or twice but often through the year on top of their own home duties. They cook and bake for all sorts of events. These women opne their homes to Bible Study groups, which requires that once a weke their house is presentable for visitors to come in. The older women, who are more likely to be free through the week, they are our cleaners and serve food for Senior Citizens meetings etc.. The family men do repairs, mow lawns and ten to any other kinds of work required in running a Church, such as financial matters, some may preach, some handle teas & coffee with the ladies and cleaning, assisting in running the Church Servies.
So how would you like these people to serve the Singles? Assuming they have any time left to do so? Honestly these guys are very busy and I hope you appreciate that they are doing their bit already.
I’m not being sarcastic but trying to point out that many married family oriented parishioners really do a lot for their Church and yes it may be family orientated but that is where their own needs from Church revolve around.
As a Single I had the time and energy to pursue friendships in Church and attend Bible Studies etc.. Maybe there can be a few Singles events run by your Church or Bible Studies. As for fellowship, surely the Singles can organise their own Social Events?
Since my kids have grown up (and moved out so less housework) I’m free for more coffee. Although I do work part-time. This Singles ministry sounds good to me.
This is a great thread highlighting the general inadequacy of the church in singles ministries. Yes Driscoll’s article was biblical, but it wasn’t balanced.
It’s not thin skinned, it’s a sad reality that the church has largely ignored and failed to provide for the older singles in its congregation. By minimising the issue and dismissing it as merely “thin skinned” as though singles should have to just take it all all the time without wimpering because after all they are the silent ones not permitted to speak up is the very attitude I was pointing out in the link in the OP.
Unfortunately the vast majority of churches are like that. (And I’d see myself as one who has diversified so much re: visiting other evangelical churches to see what they’re like and to leverage off their strengths in my church).
Just on a social level, I have no idea how Christians are really supposed to meet new people in their 20s/30s etc in any kind of meaningful way.
For those who live down south I would like to recommend Kairos Cafe. It’s an inter-church singles ministry for 18-39s by an independent evangelical church in Hurstville. It provides a casual environment to meet other Christians, hear casual talks on great topics / from renowned speakers, and chill out over foosball / pool / table tennis etc. I have found it useful in past years when I was single (and am single again now!). If you’d like more info / get yourself on the emailing list pm me.
The problem of finding a Christian partner as a mature person. I know, because I am in this category.
Problem is we are fussy about who we end up with. Nothing particularly wrong with that, but I guess sometimes we have to compromise.
I know that in the main, most woman who want me, I don’t particularly want them, and most women I want, dont want me. It is the old story. When both parties are happy with the selection, we have a hit. But the older and more set in our ways we become, it gets much harder.
And there are the people who will never marry because of mental problems or relationship hangups.
Being Christian limits the field as well. Being Christian also limits the natural human responses because of our over active “super egos” (see Freud for explanation) Christians will think more about ethics etc than the average single person. Not that this is a bad thing.
But if a woman is seeking a Christian mate, she will be looking for someone in the right age bracket, right status/economic bracket, etc
Christian dating sites I have visited have not been good in terms of results.I have contacted some women, and received no reply. Women who have contacted me have either lived too far away, were very unattractive, or were very young women from 3rd world countries. So I dont visit dating sites any more.
Lets face it, it is a marketing problem. Demand and supply rule. Tempts us to forget about finding a Christian, and getting someone who has good morals etc instead.
I’m a big believer in prayer. Ask God. You have not because you ask not (James 4:1-2).
By the way be prepared to get NO as your answer as Yes isn’t the only answer to prayer.
Meanwhile pray for your needs of fellowship. I rarely see my Christian friends from Uni now because they are busy. Half are busy with family and my single friends are just as busy with their careers etc.. I’m not a person who is invited to dinner by marrieds from my Church either. I have a hubby and so we wouldn’t make an uneven number at anyone’s table. Yet after 5 years we still have never been invited for dinner to a married couples place. Actually it’s been the divorced and singles who have had us over, so there you go. I have retained friends from past places of work and social clubs I used to belong to, I socialise with them outside Church or either my or my hubby’s family. That’s life it’s not just singles that have a problem finding friends. My hubby has remained in contact with his High School friends they are all 50 plus now. They have not made many friends since their youth. It’s a fact the older you get the harder it is to make friends or find someone to marry.
So Singles are not the only ones that may have trouble finding fellowship. Think of the poor Divorcees they have kids on top of their Singleness. I know the problems I’ve been there. However if you are Single without kids you really have the time and energy to find places you can meet up with other Christians for either just fellowship or in the hope of finding a Spouse. So pray and try out some places.
One of the ladies in our Church found another Denomination a few suburbs away that has a Singles night once a month. It is mainly for mature (over 30s) Singles and Divorcees but they do get some in their 20s that attend as well. They have various Social day time activities. Many go just for friendship and the Social Events it isn’t a Dating thing at all. The lady who goes there has been going for years now and has a few really good friends which she also goes shopping with or has coffee with them etc.
Our Church Singles are included in the lives of many of our congregation families. Friendships are funny things you don’t click with everyone. If you manage to find someone that you seem to get along with, then great. I know others who like my hubby and I have been part of our Church for years their kids have made friends in Sunday School and other youth activity programs that our Church run but they haven’t managed to make friends, they keep going there for their kids sake. Of course it is harder for Singles you don’t have a hubby or wife to fellowship with at home through the week. Again there would be some marrieds that would say that is very good thing. Not all marrieds get along and the few divorces we have had over the past few years prove that.
Single or Married they both have there advantages and disadvantages. So once again pray. You only want to be going into marriage with the person the Lord thinks you are best suited to and He will give you what you need to work things out with them. After all remember you are two mature people with all your faults now having to compromise and get on with each other. It was hard enough at 30 for me to do, I’d hate to be just getting married now all these years later.
Good thinking Milica. I can relate to some of the things you said. There are good things about being single. Some marriages can be a lifetime prison sentence.
What are the divorce rates these days? About 50% failures? Here we are putting our whole lives into a relationship - with those odds against us.
If someone said that 50% of parachutes failed, who would do that for a sport?
But we have all these guys lining up for marriage, saying eagerly “here goes half my money, and a lifetime of child payments, if it fails.”
Christian marriages have a better success rate though. We should be positive.
I like what one of the Jensen’s suggested (probably Philip but I can’t remember), that we guys should go into marriage saying if it fails you’ll get it all.
This may be a little off thread, but what does a singles ministry look like in an average sized church? Or men’s ministry or women’s ministry or families’ ministry or recovering from divorce ministry or young adults’ ministry or seniors’ ministry? I can understand specialised ministry to children and youth since they have needs relating to their growth and development, but adults (whatever age that is these days!) surely are a little more able to stand on their own two feet. Ministry to adults in whatever stage of life surely happens largely on Sundays and in home Bible study groups. Church isn’t there to organise people’s social life or love-life.
Having said that, I appreciate the pain of singles who are thoughtlessly overlooked by couples and families, and by commitment-phobic men (who may make lousy husbands anyway!).
I have always struggled with the modern demand - it seems like a demand - for the church to supply all sorts of special interest groups. If the church is the “household of faith,” then like a family we ought to be able to care for each other without special internal organisations. The introspection that can follow the need for church to meet my needs may militate against our united effort in reaching the lost.
In my church, none. There’s a young workers’ group which I help to run, and there’s a women’s group, but both have some married couples in it. Why even the uni-group has married couples in it :=).
Which is why I have to lean towards a singles ministry in a para-church context. If no individual church does it it will have to be para-church.
Thanks Arthur… but what does singles’ ministry do? (Sorry if my ignorance offends!) Surely it isn’t just a place where Christian singles can meet and mingle - like a Christian social club. Is it to support singles in the disappointment of singleness? Is it to inspire singles with the ministry opportunities single people have? Can these needs be met in the wider congregation rather than in a para-church setting? I’m sure some changes in attitude and practice would need to be made in the wider church - but what would those changes be? And please don’t add yet another PC burden! :-)
This may be a little off thread, but what does a singles ministry look like in an average sized church?
It’s not off thread, it’s the whole point of my OP!!
but adults (whatever age that is these days!) surely are a little more able to stand on their own two feet. Ministry to adults in whatever stage of life surely happens largely on Sundays and in home Bible study groups. Church isn’t there to organise people’s social life or love-life.
It’s not a question of being able to stand on your own two feet, and sometimes church and bible study does not provide the spiritual guidance, support, growth and sustenance which is needed especially by singles at times of dofficulties. THAT is what single’s ministry looks like - it’s a ministry aimed at assisting those who are struglling with spiritual issues to deal with them in a spiritual manner. How that looks will differ from church to church, but largely it will inolve meeting up with the person one on one for some encouraging, prayer, bible reading and general spiritual support. NOT as a “date” or a “para social life” but as a genuine, ministry based, biblical based meeting to help a christian sibling stand against the struggles of this world.
I have always struggled with the modern demand - it seems like a demand - for the church to supply all sorts of special interest groups. If the church is the “household of faith,” then like a family we ought to be able to care for each other without special internal organisations. The introspection that can follow the need for church to meet my needs may militate against our united effort in reaching the lost.
The need to reach the lost is a fundamental part of the church’s existence - but once the lost are found, they are not to be gforgotten again. I do not rail against the lack of a “special interest group” I rail against the lack of an appreciation by many in the modern church that singles face a special battle in life (not any worse or better than the married, or the divorced, or the young, or the elderly or the whatever other group you care to name) and that there are very rarely any programmes in place for a single person to go to a ministry staff member and say hey, I need to meet with someone to get through a particularly difficult patch with some extra prayer and bible study - is there anyone around? Invariably the answer is no because the ministry staff are all tied up in marriage courses, married’s ministry, men’s ministry, women’s ministry you name it - everything but a recognition of the need for singles to be recognised as a group with specific and often painful needs.
Church isn’t there to organise people’s social life or love-life.
My OP does most certainly not raise this issue, and I am mildly offended that you see my attempts to raise some discussion on the issue of what form ministry to singles should take as merely a complaint that my social life isn’t being organised for me. I’m talking about the gut wrenching pain suffered when yet another friend has a baby, or another wedding is held, or another wedding anniversary is celebrated - church is so family centric that the pain and spiritual isolation of singles is overlooked - to my mind, at a dangerous cost. I know of countelss women who have left church to marry non-believing husbands because there was no one there to offer them older and wiser counsel a la 1 timothy and take them to the biblical passages forbidding that and exhorting them on to a life of love and good deeds, even if that be a lonely life of love and good deeds.
I became a Christain as UNSW and remianed a Single attending fellowhip until I married and went to the Suburbs where I found that teaching and guidance was not as enriched as my days at Uni or UniChurch.
As a Single I got much better teaching of the Bible. I had loads of it and I was spoilt. A little Spiritually starved out here. Howwever I turned to reading my Bible more and getting into reading good Christian articles (still hated reading books at this stage Uni courses and my career killed the ability to sit down with a serious textbook or any heavy Christian material). I’ve only recently started reading academic books again.
By this time I was married. I had to opposite problem. I had all that great teaching on Campus and elsewhere, John Woodhouse, Phillip Jensen, Dereyk Howell etc.. Most of the teaching was aimed at us footloose fancy free Singles about to embark into the big wild world and start our careers, enter into love, etc.. Not much in the way of marriage. Some basic stuff but well there weren’t many marrieds to watch and learn from.
What I have found in the Suburban, mainly family orientated Churches is you learn a lot about being a godly spouse through the example of others and when the share with you. Not all of it can come from the pulpit much of it is shared through lives. Our lives are a living testimony to the Lord (well they should be). I love what is says in Titus about being taught to live godly lives. The older or mature Christians who should be sharing with and teaching the younger ones.
TIT 2:1 You must teach what is in accord with sound doctrine. 2 Teach the older men to be temperate, worthy of respect, self-controlled, and sound in faith, in love and in endurance.
TIT 2:3 Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. 4 Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, 5 to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.
I know it specifically talks about young women being wives but you may want to be one day so it’s not a bad thing. I learnt from some of our Pastors wives how to honour a husband before I got married. Wether you are single or married certainly you can learn some lessons from Older godly women who aren’t drunks and are self-controlled, who are willing to serve others, are kind, considerate etc.. these are good characteristics to have married or single.
There are some issues Singles have that are different from Marrieds, however there is much we still have in common. Man or woman, young or old we can all learn many basic lessons together. Don’t steal but get a job, don’t gossip or malign others, honour your mother & father, don’t lie, respect those in authority, be kind, love your brothers and sisters in Christ etc..
The main problem with Singles is not fitting into a social group. It happens to marrieds as well. The problem for Singles is that you don’t have a spouse to fellowship with or for company through the week. Lonilness is a big problem. There are two married women who feel isolated as their husbands are not Christians and don’t want anything to do with the Church they have limited time at Church when they go. They don’t have much family anymore and they don’t have many friends. The children like ours are grown up, con’t live at home, no grandchildren yet and so they are isolated as Christians. They get to go to Church on Sunday morning and a ladies Bible Study group in the week. That’s it. Their hubby’s are not emotionally close with them. They actually feel lonely and crave fellowship, we occassionally gab on the phone when their hubby is not home to hear the Christian talk. Singles are not the only ones with limitations.
When it comes to learning God’s Word you can do much of it yourself. I do. Most of my growing has happened through my Quiet Time and my own studies. I’ve asked God to teach me as I read His Word. I can’t get from a pulpit what I have learned through my own time with God. Like you I go to a Bible Study but it’s intellectual more than anything because we are often dealing with scripture that isn’t challenging me personally at the moment. Last year we did Romans in Bible Study and for the first time in ages it challenged me in an area I was dealing with in my personal walk with God. That doesn’t happen often.
What I’m saying is you can’t wait for all your learning to come from someone else, neither from a Sermon or Bible Study. Yes you get something from these, often they give me knowledge that I store and it pops up when I’m going through something. The rest you have to get yourself with God’s Word which is revealed to you by His Spirit.
Everyone is at a different place in their lives, what you are struggling with may not be what another person is struggling with. At different times in your life you have different struggles and temptations, understanding of the world changes and deepens as you get older. What didn’t bother you when you were in your twenties now has become a real concern. We all grow and mature in Christ/God at a different pace and at different levels. So God wants to help you right now and He does that through His Spirit. Get into His Word and read, pray and ask His Spirit to reveal it to you personally. God will answer that prayer and He says He will. I love what James tells us about this request for wisdom. If you lack wisodm you can ask God and He will give it to you generously. Then it says when you ask DON’T DOUBT. Why? Beacuase God is faithful and He wants you to know His word and to be able to apply it to your life, God wants you to grow in your Faith and become HOLY as He is Holy.
JAS 1:2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4 Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6 But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8 he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.
Get into a Bible Study group. If the one you are in is lack lustre and doesn’t meet your needs find another one. If there isn’t one available then pray until God provides. I had that very same need. A few years ago when I started going to the Anglcian Church in our area I didn’t seem to fit into several groups. I tried the day time young mothers, then the day time ladies, a night time mixed group. Nope for some reason I just didn’t seem to be able to fit in or get much out or the blokes would really take over and you were intellectually too challenged. Until I found the Ladies group I go to now. It took about 3 years to find this group. To be fair to God He couldn’t answer me earlier because the Ladies group hadn’t existed when I started praying about it and my part-time working day had to change to accomodate the group as well.
Like I said before I am one to say “pray about it”. If you are praying for God’s Will, He will bring it into your life (even if it takes some time to arrive).
My OP does most certainly not raise this issue, and I am mildly offended that you see my attempts to raise some discussion on the issue of what form ministry to singles should take as merely a complaint that my social life isn’t being organised for me. I’m talking about the gut wrenching pain suffered when yet another friend has a baby, or another wedding is held, or another wedding anniversary is celebrated - church is so family centric that the pain and spiritual isolation of singles is overlooked - to my mind, at a dangerous cost. I know of countelss women who have left church to marry non-believing husbands because there was no one there to offer them older and wiser counsel a la 1 timothy and take them to the biblical passages forbidding that and exhorting them on to a life of love and good deeds, even if that be a lonely life of love and good deeds.
I want to focus on what you have said here. I’m sorry but after 18 years of suffering and still suffering extreme ill health that limits what I can and cannot do in life. All the things I have missed out on in life, as you can guess I have little sympathy.
You have a healthy body and to a certain degree, choice. Basically if you are looking at others and feeling sorry for yourself I can’t pat you on the back and say there, there. I won’t indulge self pity I spent a few years there myself but never again.
I have HLAB27 ankolosing spondilitis a very crippling form of Rhuematoid Arthritis. Before being diagnosed with this my immune system was telling me I was really sick compared to my friends who were also in their twenties. I had glandualr fever twice before getting this condition full blown. It mainly affects my spin, hips, knees and feet. It can also affect my hands, jaw and the worst of all it also in rare cases like mine it affects your eyes. I have almost gone blind a few times from severe inflammation and I now have bad vision as a result. I can’t work fulltime and haven’t been able to for 7 years now, I had to stop work at 39 years young. No children because on top of this I have problems with my reproductive system as well. I’m one of those who can’t just have one chronic illness.
I am constantly tired, I have a restrictive diet because to eat outside of that all my symptoms flare up, I live with pain daily, I don’t travel often because of the restrictions and if I do I have to take so many drugs, I had to stay in a unit with my own kitchen (to cater for my diet), if the bed is not good in any way I cannot get enough sleep or rest as my joints are too sensitive to rough it (I have to take painkillers to cope). I cannot go for long walks anymore, my hair has fallen out severly and I feel much older than my years.
Well that is just some of my reality. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
However, through all this I have learnt to be so grateful for my life and what I have. I am grateful I can get myself around my house and to and from the bathroom unassisted. I am grateful my new medication works much better than my
previous ones and the side effects are less severe. I am grateful I can get to my Bible Study group even when I’m not too well. I’ve been know to attend in my old Trackies and slippers no problems, plus they have a recliner which has become my chair. I’m grateful this year I am better than last year and have been able to cook more of my own meals instead of having to depend on the grace of others who have cooked for me. If I remain as good as I am we might be able to go for a few days up to see my Brother in law at his new house at Tea Gardens (what a blessing that will be).
I don’t look at others my own age with their children, weddings or lifestyles. Praise God they have what they have, may they be a joy and blessing to them. Praise God they can go for long walks and holidays. Praise God they can serve the Church in the many ways they can. Praise God they can attend various Social Events and enjoy them. Often my contempararies have to do much to oraganise these events etc.. I really appreciate the work and effort they put into them.
My hubbies birthday last year I was going to try and cook for it, got sick and the kids had to make do with ordering Pizza. We still had a good time catching up. I don’t begrudge others who can cater for family birthdays, good on them if they have the time and strength to do it. My step-kids and my family that came over coped with my inability to do so.
I am not emotionally turned inside out by my illness I have decided (a choice I made) to not be bitter over all the things I cannot do or do not have (which includes children of my own). I choose not to let my illness steal my joy. You need to do the same with your Singleness. My illness is permanent, I’ve suffered from it 18 years now and will until the day I die. I can’t escape it but it doesn’t rule my thinking and it doesn’t master my feelings. In the midst of this pain God has taught me how to appreciate things others take for granted. I have prayed and prayed that God remove this burden of this illness off my life but like Paul’s thorn it has remained and through it God has humbled me. I know pain and I know suffering intimately. Before I met my hubby I had 3 engagements that fell through but I had forgiven the fellows that couldn’t commit to me. I’m free of my past hurts. I have had close friends also treat me badly and some family (who hasn’t) plus the odd horror story from work collegues and bosses. Forgive those who have hurt you and learn to be content with your lot in life.
Every one suffers in some way. Every one misses out in life in some way. You are not special because your suffering happens to be Singleness. It’s your choice how you decide to deal with it. No one else can help you. I learnt this when I first was diagnosed with my condition and learned it was permanent and what it would do to me long term.
We need to use our minds and make a choice for the Lord, this is what His Word teaches us. Why did these women leave the Church becuase they allowed their flesh to make their decision for them not their minds.
RO 8:5 Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. 6 The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; 7 the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. 8 Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God.
You constantly make choices to obey God’s Word or NOT. I have seen so many people walk away from the Lord over the years. Singles and Married couples that were both Christians. Each time they decided to allow meeting the desire of their flesh a priority to obey God’s commands. No amount of support or counselling turned them from their decision. I have seen many ministered to directly by Church workers and mature Christians (some for years) to help them through what they were going through but it didn’t help with some and they choose to go.
I don’t mean to be cold or mean but you are not the only one hurting in this world.
[ Edited: 17 February 2009 03:05 PM by Milica Cook]
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