mightychurch.com

SMH - The last secret to a lasting marriage

There are some interesting figures to look at.

This should attract a bit of attention in the media and talkback radio :

http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/story/0,22049,25767454-5001028,00.html

Make it harder to divorce, says Tony Abbott
Article from: AAP   July 11, 2009 10:45pm

LIBERAL Party frontbencher Tony Abbott wants laws toughened up to make divorce harder.

The opposition families and Aboriginal affairs spokesman has called for a return to the fault-based system of divorce discarded in 1975, which was replaced by a “no-fault’’ system.

Mr Abbott’s plan, outlined in his soon-to-be released bookBattlelines, would see a grounds for divorce reintroduced, including adultery, cruelty, habitual drunkenness and imprisonment.
It would be similar to the defunct Matrimonial Causes Act.

Currently people are allowed to divorce after a 12-month separation.

Speaking to Fairfax newspapers, the conservative politician and former Howard government minister said couples should be offered a choice of both marriage systems.

“The point I make in the book is that a society that is moving towards some kind of recognition of gay unions, for instance, is surely capable of providing additional recognition to what might be thought of as traditional marriage,’’ Mr Abbott said.

“Something akin to Matrimonial Causes Act marriage ought to be an option for people who would like it.

“Even though (marriage) is probably the most important commitment that any human being can make, in fact there are many, many contracts which are harder to enter and harder to get out of than this one.’’ 

There’s a few interesting things in the SMH article Ray linked to:

Dr Kippen said she was amazed that differing educational levels had no impact on a couple’s propensity to divorce, and surprised to find believers and non-believers appeared to rub along well.

That’s unexpected, but it kind of makes me wonder about the types of believers & non that would get married despite their spouse’s beliefs. I guess if the other persons beliefs are a relationship deal breaker, you’re unlikely to get married in the first place, let alone divorced!

People born in different countries were at no higher risk of divorce than those from the same country. And nor were those who had lived together before marriage.

That’s contrary to information that often gets quoted around the place - that co-habitation before marriage is correlated with higher divorce rates. Here they are saying that is not the case. I wonder what gives?

Interesting that age plays such a big role too.

There was also an interesting article on marriage and infidelity in the NYT recently (may require login):
Marriage Stands Up for Itself

...For instance, one of the most commonly cited statistics about marriage is that half of marriages end in divorce. But that number reflects the expected lifetime divorce rate of people married in the 1970s.

The story is different for more-recently married couples. A comparison of 10-year divorce rates among college-educated men married in the 1970s, 1980s and 1990s shows that divorce is becoming less common, said Dr. Stevenson, the Wharton researcher. Among men who married in the 1970s, for example, about 23 percent had divorced by the 10th year of marriage. Among similar men married in the 1980s, about 20 percent had divorced by the 10th year. Men married in the 1990s are doing even better — with a 10-year divorce rate of 16 percent.

Divorce rates among those with only a high school education are higher, but even among this group, divorce is becoming less common. Among male high school graduates married in the 1970s and 1980s, about 25 percent had divorced by the 10th year. But among high school graduates married in 1990, the 10-year divorce rate is 19 percent.

The reason for these shifts, some experts say, is that many couples today are delaying marriage. And age matters. People who marry after age 25 are less likely to divorce than those who marry earlier, studies find. Men and women born in the 1930s who married in the 1950s have the highest marriage rate of any generation — about 96 percent married. But among more recent generations, the number has dropped to about 90 percent. The data suggest that the weakest relationships, which years ago might have resulted in a marriage followed by a divorce, are now ending before the couple ever heads to the altar.

In short, marriages appear to be stronger from the beginning.

Continues..

Dr Kippen said she was amazed that differing educational levels had no impact on a couple’s propensity to divorce, and surprised to find believers and non-believers appeared to rub along well.

I’m not sure what Dr Kippen means by ‘appeared to rub along well’.  I have talked confidentially with a number of Christian women who are married to non-Christian men, who experience real problems, including opposition to their faith of various kinds and even intimidation.  They have expressed real unhappiness.  However, they were seeking to try to strengthen the marriage, because of their beliefs - so that would seriously skew any study drawing conclusions just from divorce figures. 
 
I have no information about the reverse situation (Christian men with non-Christian women), but I suspect the dynamic would be quite different.
 
Edit: I don’t mean to imply that the unhappiness described above is always or even usually the case in ‘mixed marriages’.  These things depend much on the individuals concerned.  However, I have heard enough anecdotals to personally conclude it is likely to cause problems.

Yes, I’ve heard of plenty of anecdotes along the same lines. I think this is an interesting example of being limited by your data - the only metric they have (I think) is divorce rate. But “not divorcing” is a long way from “getting along happily”. Especially when, like you say, these women “were seeking to try to strengthen the marriage” - ie they were explicitly committed to not end up in divorce, so their plight is unlikely to show up in divorce stats.

THE secret to a lasting marriage? It goes like this. Marry a man who is about your own age. If he is nine or more years older than you, the chances of ending up divorced double. And if your parents are still together, marry a man whose parents are also still together.

Ah, if only the “secret” was as simple as aligning yourself with the “statistically least likely to divorce” categories prior to getting married.

Articles like this are quite unhelpful, not so much for the data they present but the way they present it. To me, the statistics simply indicate that marriages that have certain characteristics tend to make those marriages more of a challenge. In seeking the “secret” to a lasting marriage, instead of identifying categories to avoid, I would be asking what is it about the marriages that survive despite bad odds? OK, so 17% of differently-aged couples separate compared to 10% of same-aged. So what keeps the other 83% together? What are their marriages like? Why do they work?

Although interesting, these articles really miss the point.

FOR MENS EYES ONLY

  pssst down here fellas

  THIS HAS TO BE OUR SECRET

  IF YOUR WIFE KNOWS YOU KNOW THIS

  YOU WILL NEVER WIN ANOTHER ARGUMENT IN THIS LIFETIME

  THE SECRET TO A LASTING MARRIAGE IS

HAPPY WIFE HAPPY LIFE.

    Cheers Ian Lawther.

Don’t have too much to add; the above posters already expressed definitional issues. 

The co-habitation part of the survey was interesting, and goes against the three surveys quoted in a talk I heard last Wednesday from City Bible Forum.  You know, the ones that generally claim that co-habitation before marriage approximately doubles the probability of divorce.

I’d answer the topic question on similar lines as Ian - it ultimately boils down to commitment through the good times and bad.  Contentment and happiness (which I take to be an optimistic viewpoint) helps through the bad.  And from a Christian worldview, it helps if both parties are of the same worldview (e.g. both are genuinely Christian) - again the definitional issues come in as Luke highlighted.

Very well said Arthur.
        Cheers Ian Lawther.

A few weeks ago, there were a few news stories in the papers and other media about how a growing number of couples were changing the wording of their marriage vows. Even to the extent of just committing for a set number of years - or until their love faded etc.

Certainly some couples appear fearful of being married to someone else “until death do they part”. And, being absorbed with the trappings of consumerism, some don’t want to commit “for richer or poorer” - just wanting wedded attachment only for “richer or even more richer”.

Bonhoeffer wrote about marriage being not only commitment to one another - but also as commitment to the institution of marriage itself  !

St Luke’s Clovelly has an extensive article on “The Marriage Vow”  at :
http://www.stlukesclovelly.org/pages/sermons_articles/marriage_vows.htm

My husband (of more than 30 years) and I should have broken up years ago if any of this was predictive. Fortuantely statistics are only able to describe what has already happened to other people, not predict what might happen to any of us.

I receive daily devotions from ACCTV - and this week they there has been a worthy series on ‘Marriage myths’. Here are the first 3 in the series :

The myth of ‘viral love’ :

A lot of us are ‘myth-informed’ about love and marriage. The myth of ‘a perfect marriage’ is widespread and dangerous among us. By setting up unrealistic expectations, impossible dreams and magic thinking, it misinforms, misleads and disillusions us, preparing us to walk away the moment our fantasy clashes with reality. Only the truth can make us free to find fulfilment in our marriage. For the next few days let’s explore a few of these myths.

Marriage myth 1: The myth of ‘viral love,’ insists that love is caught, much like a virus. ‘Some enchanted evening’ when you happen to be in the right place at the right time, it will zap you. You’ll ‘catch the bug’ and enter a lifetime of unending bliss! The trouble is, when we’re worn out taking care of three children, two jobs and a second mortgage, the ‘virus’ subsides. In the whirlwind of dishes, nappies and daily routines, something has to give. So romance vacates centre stage and reality takes over. When it does, we confuse romance for true love and mistakenly think it has moved out and that we need to follow it. The truth is, love does not die because romance bows to reality. If two people who once ‘fell’ in love are willing to ‘stand’ together in love through the challenges and opportunities of family life, romance can grow again, stronger and more resilient than ever. Love based solely on romance doesn’t work when ‘for better’ meets ‘for worse.’ Romance based on a decision to love ‘till death us do part’ is the only love that’s dependable, consistent and trustworthy. Romance brings us together, this kind of love keeps us together !

The myth of the ‘right person’ :

Marriage myth 2: The myth of the ‘right person,’ suggests happiness in marriage depends entirely on finding the right person. It’s said to be a matter of luck, Cupid, the moon hitting your eye like a big pizza, etc., occasionally even God. Just find the right person and they’ll make your life supremely happy, romantic, excited, fulfilled, blissful. The right person will lead you into the wonderful land of endless love. It’s all up to them. And they will make you happy for the rest of your life.

Despite the advice of friends and family who can often see what is really happening, we’ll ‘give away the farm’ and turn ourselves inside out to keep this addictive, ‘magic’ happening. But when it stops (and it does), three things happen: (1) We cry, manipulate, blame, vilify and consider them phonies for changing on us and making us miserable. “He’s not the man I married,” we complain. He may not be the person you expected him to be (that person doesn’t exist outside your myth) but he is the one you married and the problem isn’t all his. (2) We label him ‘the wrong person’ and either search for the right one or give up on the opposite sex as being false, faithless and fickle. (3) We learn the truth: there is no right person to make us happy always. At that point we’re set free to find happiness by becoming the right person, the one God created us to be, giving generously, allowing others to be real, limited, changeable humans, and looking to God for our completeness and joy !

The myth of ‘the full box :

Marriage myth 3: The myth of ‘the full box,’ suggests that when we marry we inherit a big box filled with self-replacing good things, guaranteeing effortless unending marital bliss. This box is supposed to contain romance, physical fulfilment, generosity, true love, and being served ‘in the style to which we’ve become accustomed.’ Ideally, we can dip in and take what we want from a never-depleted supply. Instant, low-maintenance satisfaction guaranteed! And it seems to work initially, so we believe the myth. Until one rainy day we dip into the box and come up empty. At that point we feel shock, disappointment, anger, despair and hopelessness and conclude that our partner failed, fooled or forsook us. Why else would the box be empty?

At that point the myth suggests, “It’s time to find another box!” Or you could listen to the liberating truth: (a) marriage is a big box, an empty one. Your job is to make enough deposits to guarantee sufficient withdrawals for a rich relationship. Jesus said: “...The amount you give will determine the amount you get back” (Luke 6:38 NLT); (b) you must start by asking, “What would I like to have in the box?” Then you deposit that into the box. Then you ask, “How much of it do I want in the box?” Then you deposit enough to generate that amount.

You see, the box is only a container; it didn’t fail and you didn’t get a bad box. You are the owner of the box, not its victim. Accepting this truth frees you to make your marriage rich and rewarding by becoming a giver, not just a taker !

Source: The Word For Today

Marriage myth 4: The myth of the ‘marriage-go-round’  :

Marriage myth 4: The myth of the ‘marriage-go-round,’ says you can hop on and off marriages when you’re bored, discontented, stressed out, or get a better offer. Today we’re conditioned to instant gratification. If we don’t like the rules we’ll take our ball to another playground. We’re a ‘disposable’ society; whatever doesn’t perform satisfactorily will be replaced rather than repaired. Tragically, we transfer this mentality to our relationships and replace the people in our lives who don’t play the game our way. Each generation becomes less likely to be tolerant, patient, hard-working, flexible and creative in marriage, and more likely to trade in what they’re unwilling to work on. The myth of the marriage-go-round tells us we don’t have to grapple with our marital issues. Just replace it!

But the truth reveals that the myth doesn’t work. Over 50% of first marriages end in divorce, 65% of second ones, and more than 70% of third ones. Clearly, when it comes to marriage, the more we do it the worse we get at it ! In fact, with few exceptions, the painful numbers indicate that statistically you have a better chance of finding happiness in your current marriage with all its challenges than if you move on to another one.

God’s way is your best option. Always ! When He says, “...[whom] God hath joined together, let no man put asunder” (Matt 19:6), He intends that in working and growing through the obstacles and opportunities of your marriage, you’ll become a better partner and end up building a happier marriage!

From today’s paper we read ‘why’ some marriages end :

http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,21985,25778076-662,00.html
In marriage, opposites detract
Article from: Herald Sun         July 14, 2009  

OPPOSITES may attract - but not for long. A new study suggests differences may contribute to marriage breakdown. Academics from the Australian National University tracked the relationships of nearly 2500 couples between 2001 and 2007.

They found the factors that increased the likelihood of marriage breakdown included differences in age, desire for children, work, alcohol and smoking.

Divorce was twice as likely for couples in which the husband was nine or more years older than his wife.  The same risk applied in marriages in which the man was two or more years younger than his wife.

Couples were twice as likely to split if the wife had a much stronger preference for children or for more of them. Smoking and drinking rates also contributed to relationship breakdown.

The “What’s love got to do with it ?” study estimates that a quarter of relationships will end within six years and 50 per cent by 25 years.

See also the report in “The Australian” which includes this conclusion :

“It’s best for the chances of a marriage surviving if both husband and wife don’t smoke,” Dr Kippen said.

“Australian” link

http://www.theage.com.au/lifestyle/lifematters/divorce-rate-higher-for-de-factos-20090716-dm7b.html

Duplicated in yesterday’s MX, this is a short article on higher divorce rates for de-factos.